By: Lucas (Conversations are not verbatim pero sakto naman yung thoughts behind all of it.) Sabi nila the closet is a very dark and lonely ...
By: Lucas
(Conversations are not verbatim pero sakto naman yung thoughts behind all of it.)Sabi nila the closet is a very dark and lonely place. Iba daw yung feeling that you are free to live the way you are. In my case, I do not know what I am and what I want yet so di ba, what closet are they talking about?
I am Lucas* and subject of this post is Heinz*. Pareho kaming nag-aral sa UPD.
Summer 2007
It was out of boredom really. Nakatambay ako sa Katipunan isang gabi kasama yung friend kong si Jean (girl). Nameet ko lang siya nung nasa UP na ako. Hindi kami pareho ng course pero close kami. I met her in a GE class. Sabi ko sa kanya “bigyan mo nga ako ng textmate. Wala lang. Gusto ko lang maaliw.” Sabi niya “Kadiri ka! Haha! Uso pa ba yan ngayon?” “My life in UP is starting to be rountinary and I need a welcome distraction” sabi ko. “Fine. Guy or girl.” “Hmmm. Guy?”
“Sige hahanapan kita. I will ask Alex too (boyfriend niya) if he knows anyone.”
“Thanks.”
Patapos na ang final exam season nun for second sem. Tapos na kami sa lahat ng exams and papers so patambay tambay nalang kami. Lagi naman akong nagsa-summer class so it was the same that year. Mga GE yung kinuha ko para magaan lang and bawas load for senior year.Nagtext si Jean that night din. Nagbigay siya ng tatlong tao. Tinext ko silang tatlo. Nagreply naman sila lahat. First time kong gawin yun, yung magtext sa di ko kilala. Sabi ko lang sa kanila, “Hi I am Lucas. I got your number from Jean.” Sabi nila, sinabi naman daw ni Jean na binigay niya sa akin numbers sila so di sila nabigla. Good. Di pa awkward. I lost interest sa dalawa eventually. Which leaves us with Heinz.
Heinz.
Interesting character si Heinz. At this point in the story, take note na hindi pa kami nagmi-meet. Yung getting to know part ay nangyari lahat sa text over the break, just before magsimula ang summer classes.
He is interesting kasi parang sa lahat ng bagay, di kami pareho ng gusto: movies, TV series, music, books, food etc. I like foreign indie movies, heavy drama, and political movies. He likes yung blockbuster, superhero movies and comedies. You get the idea naman. Polarizing.
But there is one thing na pareho kami. Pareho kaming naghahanap ng something. I know that "something" is such an abstract term but you get it.
Sa isa naming text convo:
Me: So why did you allow your number to be given to me?
Heinz: Well Jean said you need a textmate. Eh parang I need that too right now.
Me: I see. I think I am sad that is why I need this. I mean I have friends and family and I am not damaged or anything. Basta. Something Gets?
Heinz: I get that. Me too. I feel the same way. Haha!
Over the break, constant naman yung pagtetext namin. Good morning, good night, what’s up – that kind of thing.
The day before mag-start yung enrollment for summer classes, we agreed na dapat magkita na kami. May idea na rin ako what he looks like because of Friendster. Haha! Yes, Friendster circa 2007.
Day of enrollment na.
Sabi niya sa akin, magmeet daw kami sa tambayan nila at 5 PM. Pumunta ako. Kinakabahan. Ano sasabihin ko? Tama ba itong suot ko? Maayos ba buhok ko? Huwag nalang kaya ako pumunta. Shit shit shit.
Nakita ko siyang mag-isa nakaupo sa isang bench. Sabi ko, “Heinz?” Then tumayo siya, nilapitan ako. He smiled, stretched his right hand and said “Yes. Nice to finally meet you Lucas. Hi” For five seconds, nakatayo kami, looking at each other. He was still holding my hand.
Bumitaw ako. “So. Uhm. Hi. Shit di ko alam sasabihin ko.”
Heinz: Funny ka din pala in person. Haha!
Pareho kaming matangkad ni Heinz pero mas maliit siya konti. Normal yung built niya. Hindi mataba, hindi payat. Sakto kumbaga. Moreno with nice big eyes, and really warm smile. He is not super handsome but I find him handsome nonetheless. Tall, dark, handsome.
So umupo ako sa chair across him. May table sa harap naming. Usap usap lang kami ganyan. Then inoffer niya ako ng sandwich. Nilabas niya from his bag. Pitpit na. Sabi ko, “Wow. What happened here? Haha” “Eh kung ayaw mo eh di wag. Haha!”
He grabbed the sandwich from me. For the first time, nahawakan niya kamay ko. May brief pause na naman. I grabbed it back.
Me: Binigay mo na eh. Wag mo na bawiin.
Heinz: Ikaw eh, inaapi mo sandwich ko. Haha!
Magse-seven na pala ng gabi nun. Dumating na din yung driver ko so kailangan ko na din umuwi. Nagpaalam na ako sa kanya and told him na mag-usap nalang kami sa text mamaya.
That night, nagtext siya. “Nice to meet you talaga! And I hope you liked the sandwich. Haha! See you tom again?”
“Nice to meet you too! Haha! And thank you sa sandwich. Yes please. Same time and place?”
“Yes. Sige I have to do something. Text text nalang tomorrow.”
Hindi ako makatulog ng gabing yun. Iniisip ko lang siya and yung paghawak niya sa kamay ko. Kinilig ako at tinigasan. Yun yung first time na nag-masturbate ako with him in mind.
The next few weeks were amazing. Lunch dito, dinner diyan. Siya lang kasama ko talaga. Libre niya, libre ko, KKB ganyan. Favorite naming kumain sa CASAA for some reason. Don’t judge us! Haha! Ang dami kasing choices kahit yung iba ewan yung food. At least di ka na lalabas ng UP and (relatively) mura pa. :p
Minsan, inaya niya akong mag-aral sa labas. Wala naman akong aaralin talaga pero nagpretend nalang ako na meron. Pumunta kami sa Xocolat sa may Katipunan (likod ng Bo’s). Ito yung isa sa mga favorite places ko in Katipunan. That time, kami lang yung customers. Ang mga tao lang ay yung staff.
So aral aral kami ganyan. He stood up and sat beside me, leaving one foot of distance between us. Napansin kong slowly, he was reaching for my hand. Then he held my hand, rested his head on my shoulder and he said:
“I like this, whatever this is” sabi nya.
“We are not together or anything but I like this too" sagot ko.
He raised his head and I knew what was about to happen.
Inunahan ko na. I kissed him. For two seconds lang. Hindi torrid. Kiss. Then he rested his head on my shoulder again. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced.
Sabi nya, ihahatid niya daw ako pauwi. Nung nasa harap na kami ng bahay ko, he stopped the car’s engine. He looked at me and kissed me. This time, French na. For five minutes, nagme-make out kami sa loob ng car niya. Then, I put my hand inside his shirt. He was undoing my zipper already. Pero di kami nagsex. Midway, tumigil kami.
Me: I am sorry this is going too fast.
Heinz: I feel the same way. Shit ano ba yun.
Silence. Then nagmake-out ulit kami. But no sex that night.
Everything went well until towards the end of the summer.
You know how we have that annoying and chismoso friend/acquaintance na magaling mang-issue and magkalat ng kwento tungkol sa buhay ng ibang tao? Well may ganun ako. His name is Ian.
One thing you guys have to understand is maraming intersections ang circle of friends namin ni Heinz. Active kasi kami sa UP dati and marami kaming orgs.
So this guy Ian, lagi daw niya kaming nakikitang magkasama ni Heinz. Kinuwento niya ito sa maraming tao. People started texting things like “Uy, you are dating Heinz daw? I did not know that guys pala gusto mo”; “Congrats! Kayo na daw ni Heinz!”.
Heinz also received similar messages. Since di naman kami “out”, nagpanic kami. People were already talking. Masyado naming ine-enjoy ang company ng isa’t isa na di na namin na foresee ang ganitong mga eventualities.
Nagkita kami one night.
Heinz: I like hanging out with you, you know that right? I like this. Pero hindi ko kayang i-expose yung sarili ko ng ganito. Di ba fini-figure pa natin not just what we are together but who we are individually?
Me: Yes, I know that. I cannot have this kind of exposure too but people do not have to know. Let’s take a chance. Risk it. Leap of faith.
Heinz: But I am not gay. I cannot be gay. Kung nagka-gusto man ako sa lalake, ikaw yung first and last.
Me: I get that. I know that. Pareho tayo ng situation. I don’t think I am gay too. Sa tingin mo ba hindi ko naintindihan yan? Ang sa akin lang, let’s try this. Take a chance. Please Heinz.
Heinz: I can’t Lucas. I can’t. I’m sorry. I have to go. Bye.
Then he left. Umiyak ako. Nakatayo lang ako dun. In disbelief. Cinematic no? Kulang nalang umulan para maximum drama.
After a few hours, I texted him. He did not reply. I called he did not answer.
Last week na ng summer classes. I went to his tambayan. Wala siya dun. No text, no replies, no calls, no nothing. Shit, over na ‘to.
Di ko na ipinagpilitan. May sense of self-respect naman ako. The regular academic year started and walang text or tawag at all. Naging busy na rin ako with acads, org stuff, and other extra-curriculars. It’s a good thing na hindi kami pareho ng college kaya hindi kami nagkakasalubong sa UP. When our friends ask what happened, ang sagot ko lang, “Well, it is what is.”
The story is not yet over and if you are reading so far, thank you for your patience. :)
Fast forward to February 2011.
Nasa med school na ako. A week before Valentine’s Day.
Matutulog na sana ako pero biglang may nagbuzz sa YM. Si Heinz.
Heinz: Hey! What’s up! Gising ka pa?
Since wala naman ng kaso, sumagot ako.
Me: Yes! Still up but I am about to sleep. Wow, it has been a long time.
Heinz: I know! So, what are you doing now?
Me: Med school. Haha! You?
Heinz: Working now. Haha!
Me: Wow. Libre mo naman ako.
Heinz: Haha! Sure. Same number?
Me: Yes.
Heinz: So, are you dating anyone?
Me: No. Haha! I have no time. Med school = no life. You?
Heinz: I am seeing this girl right now. Nothing serious. So what are you going to do on VDay?
Me: Study, obviously. Haha!
Heinz: That’s so sad. Haha! Joke lang.
Me: I know! Haha! Hey, I gotta go. I really need to sleep now.
Heinz: Okay. Good night.
When I woke up that morning, meron akong offline message:
“I am sorry for what happened before. I wanted to but I couldn’t. Napakakumplikado kasi lahat ng bagay nun. I hope you have already forgiven me. I knew back then na you can bring out that which is best in me. I trust you. I have fallen so deep that it was overwhelming. Please forgive me. I am so sorry.”
Tang ina di ba? After four years, ngayon ko lang narinig yung mga ganyan. Anong meron? Ano yung agenda niya?
I replied: “A little too late, a little too long.”
Di na siya nagreply pa ulit. He did not text me din. He knows my number. Siya dapat ang mag-reach out, hindi ako di ba?
Forward to summer 2011.
I received a text from Heinz. Random. He invited me to dinner kasi aalis na daw siya in a month kasi mag-aaral daw siya abroad. Libre niya. Pumayag naman ako. Sabi niya I should pick a place. I told him to meet me at Serendra and decide nalang kung saan pag nagkita na kami. I told him to meet me at Sonja’s.
Nagpa-late ako ng konti. It turns out, late din pala siya so naghintay pa ako. Di naman matagal. Dumating na siya. He still looks the same. We decided to go to Boni High and ate somewhere there.
So kwentuhan ganyan about the present and the future. He was still seeing that girl daw he mentioned last time. Pinakita niya sa akin yung photo niya na nasa phone niya. In fairness, pretty.
I did not bring up the offline messages kasi alam kung gulo yun. If you want to ask a question, be sure you want to know the answer right?
Patapos na yung gabi, mga 11 na. Andun na yung driver ko. Ready na akong umuwi. Sabi niya, stay muna and let’s drink. Sabi ko, okay but you have to bring me home. Pinauwi ko na yung driver ko. And, not here in Boni High sabi ko. Somewhere else.
We drove around Fort to look for a place pero wala kaming trip. Then we went to Makati. By 12:30 AM, may nakita kaming bar na open pa. Konti nalang yung tao and very small lang. Subdued lighting. Intimate.
We ordered drinks. If you are med student, weekly (or daily) basis yung inuman so I know I can handle my alcohol pretty well. In college, magaling na rin ako uminom.
So more usapan about random stuff, movies, music ganyan.
Then he brings up the offline message.
Heinz: A little too late, a little too long, huh?
Me: You still remember that? Well it’s true.
Heinz: Di na ako nagreply kasi I did not know what to say.
Me: It’s okay. I did not expect you to anyway. No biggie.
Heinz: I’m sorry. Really. I mean if I could just go back and …
Me: Stop right there. Okay na tayo eh. You are dating someone and I am happy the way I am. There is no point na babalikan pa natin yung past.
Heinz: I don’t think you understand how sorry I am.
Me: Don’t go there. Alam kong I told you before that I may forgive but I never forget but believe me na pinatawad na kita and nakalimutan ko na yung ginawa mo.
Heinz: Really? Kahit di ako nag-sorry?
Me: Well yeah. But you just said you are sorry so retroactive yung effect.
Heinz: Thank you. But I mean what I said before. You can bring out that which is best in me. Nakakaoverwhelm lang kasi yung nararamdaman ko.
Me: I am flattered that you feel that way. Really. But you are dating someone now. Paano mo irereconcile yan sa nararamdaman mo sa akin?
Heinz: Di naman serious eh. And I want you. Only you.
Me: Stop. You are making me feel uncomfortable.
Heinz: Lucas. Lucas please.
Me: Are you serious? You are leaving in a month and you say these things! Tanga-tangahan Heinz?
Heinz: Long distance. We will make it work. I won’t screw up.
Me: That’s asking for too much. And di pa ako nagyeyes sa lagay na ‘to ah. Ang dami mo ng demand. Ang dami mong expectations. Be realistic bro.
Silence. Napansin kong medyo lasing na siya. I asked him to take me home kasi 3 AM na.
Nasa harap na kami ng bahay ko. I said thank you for the evening and good luck and God bless sa pupuntahan mo. Lumabas siya, hinabol ako sa gate and he kissed me.
I gave in.
Pumasok kami sa bahay, straight to my room.
Hinubaran niya ako. Hinubaran ko siya. Nagkikiss pa din kami. Dila sa dila. Basa at matamis na halikan. Nakatayo pa din kami. Bumaba siya at dinila-dilaan ang nipples ko. Mabilis. Intense. Pababa ng pababa tapos sinubo niya ako. Shit. First time ko ‘to. Pinahiga niya ako sa kama ko. Subo niya pa rin, taas baba, taas baba. Mabilis. Mabagal.
Nagpalit kami. Ako naman ang sumubo sa kanya. Ginawa ko din yung ginawa niya sakin.
69 na kami. Mabilis na ang nangyari. Pinasok niya ako sa puwet. Pumasok din ako sa kanya. Nagpalabas ako sa loob niya, nagpalabas siya sa loob ko. Basang basa kami ng pawis, laway at tamod.
Paggising ko, nakadamit ako. Walang tao sa tabi ko.
Panaginip pala yung nangyaring sex. Pero totoo yung hinalikan niya ako nung inihatid niya ako sa bahay.
Di siya nagsabi umalis siya. Okay lang kasi di naman ako nagexpect ng kahit na ano. Friends kami sa Facebook. He greeted me nung Christmas and New Year. And he is in the country now according to him. I did not even ask.
As for me, I am ready to date again. Wala pang dumarating but hopeful.
Thanks for reading everyone.
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