By: Mike I broke up with my boyfriend recently. Ako yung tipo ng tao na madaling mang-iwan. My motto in life is "Kung wala ka nang role...
By: Mike
I broke up with my boyfriend recently. Ako yung tipo ng tao na madaling mang-iwan. My motto in life is "Kung wala ka nang role sa buhay ko, why do you have to stay?" Isn't it right? But, this is what made me lonely, alone and unloved. I've chosen to live my life free of stress i get from people i get close with. In fact, i really don't have anyone i have a connection with except my boyfriend.I am Mike, 22, from bulacan. My life is absolutely boring and dull. No one would appreciate being alone, except of course for us, introverts. Most of you will find it boring being in the house all day, reading series of books, solving your own math problems, watching movies alone, at house or in cinemas. I must admit, i also do find these things boring. But it's me, i just can't change myself. It's easier when you have a thick boundary between yourself and other people. But that boundary i created, was penetrated by someone. And little did i know, that the day he crossed the line, is when my life starts to at least have some colors.. but not that colorful. My love story began when i entered college.
hmm.. Fresh new start, another bunch of people to be avoided. Never needed to adjust because i am used to being alone. I also don't want any friends, or at least someone to talk to. I hate conversations. ok.. so this is how i introduced myself in front of everyone. Actually, sinigurado kong sa pangalawang araw ako papasok. Because i hate listening to other people's awkward introductions.
-In front of the class-
Me: I am Mike, don't bother to ask my surname, i am 17 years old, i graduated at Baliuag, Bulacan. I am not certain what to expect with this course i have chosen. I also despise company anyone of you may offer. Good Morning.
Since then, the boring routine of classes started. Each day, same faces, same events. What could be more boring than this?
Then the first week of July came. Some people came to our room to discuss about ROTC registration. I took it as as a chance to escape from this hell, at least once a week i see new bunch of people in my ROTC class, i gave up cwts for this, and this is quite interesting. One of my classmate also joined ROTC, he is Jayson. He recognized me and start to introduce himself to me. Although it's been a week we've been in class, i never recognized him. He said he loves to seek adventure that's why he chose ROTC instead of hanging out with our classmates in CWTS. Well, at first am not interested with his life. I also pushed him away and the friendship that he offers so i can go back to my normal life. Months passed, he's still persistent with being friends with me. After 1st semester, I still don't give an eff with his stories and the bond he tries to tie with me. Second semester started. He started to talk to me in our classroom. Kase nga, sa ROTC classes lang niya ako kinakausap kase may mga kaibigan siya pag regular classes namin. Which i find offensive or hypocritical kase if you really want to be someone's friend, you won't treat him like an option. And he clearly do make me feel like it. Days passed, it turned to weeks and i finally decided to try to talk to him. Nung mga panahon na yun, nasabi pa niya sa akin na buti daw namansin na rin ako, at kwinestyon niya din kung bakit loner ako. Lahat ng kaklase ko alam ko na yun ang sinasabe sa akin pag napapag-usapan nila ako. At wala akong pake sa kanila.
Weeks turned to months and i saw myself being drawn into him. Like, i'm starting to value friendship unlike before. Pero siya lang ang kaibigan ko. Nagkaroon ng kulayang mundo ko nun, pag kinakausap niya ako, pag minsan kasabay ko siya kumain. But there's nothing special between us. Friendship lang. But little did i know, that our friendship won't last. Final month ng year 2011, December. Napansin ng mga kaklase ko na siya lang ang kinakausap ko, at madalas kaming magkasama or magkatabi sa room. Nawalan din siya ng time sa barkada niya dahil saken. Kaya nilink nila kame, which i really despise because i just hate it. Kiinausap ko siya, and i didn't think of how it would end up. Pero ang nasa isip ko talaga nun ay kailangan ko siyang layuan.
Me: Can we go back to being strangers?
Jayson: Bakit? Galit ka ba saken?
Me: No, i just, i don't want any friends anymore. I hope this serves as a closure.
Jay: No! Give me a valid reason kung bakit gusto mo lumayo.
Me: why do i have to? i will do whatever i want.
Jay: just.. just tell me what's wrong and don't leave me thinking that this is all my fault. I'd be guilty my whole life knowing that i hurt someone.
Me: no, wala kang nasaktan, it's just that i can't stand those people who keep on thinking that there's something more than friendship between us.
Jay: who cares? iniisip mo pa yun?
Me: of course, ayoko ng ganito, naiinis ako, kaibigan ng ayoko eh, tapos pag-iisipan nila ako ng masama?
Jay: Look, i'll tell them na huminto na.
Me: no, just go away, leave me.
Him: why are you so.... yourself??
Me: what do you mean?
Him: You keep pushing away people who might care for you. Ayaw mo ng kaibigan, ayaw mo ng connection sa iba.
Me: it's just what i am.
Him: look, hindi mo ba iko-consider na may pakialam ako sa'yo?
Me: totoo? may pake ka saken? haha, people are selfish, they only think about theirselves.
Him: after all this time? wala ka pa ding tiwala saken? ganyan ka ba ka walang emosyon?
Me: I wanna be alone! ok? Alam kong hindi ka sincere at naaawa ka lang kase wala akong kaibigan.
Him: bakit ba ang hirap mong kaibiganin?
Me: alam ko kasing walang may gusto saken. Walang gustong makasama ako.
Him: ako, sa tingin mo i'll put an effort to keep your company kung di kita gusto makasama?
Me: just go away.
He shouted at me.
Him: Why are you so insensitive!!?? why do you push me away?
Me: *********** because i don't want to be dumped again ok? sometimes i see you hanging out with your friends and i can feel na magiging mag-sa ulit ako.
Him: a- - - -
Me: Kahit sarili kong mga magulang itinapon ako, ayoko na ulit maranasan yun, i've been trying to resist all of this, this friendship, this bond, i want it to be taken away, ayoko na, specially ngayon na nili-link nila tayo, naiinis ako.
Him: sorry, al this time, hindi ko nalaman yan, sorry. Why don't you open yoursel----
Me: No way! So people can make fun of my flaws?? Eto ngang kaibigan lang kita nalalagyan ng malisya eh,
Him: Then i ask you, hindi ba pwede?
Me: pwedeng ano?
Him: na tayo, na tayo na, para hindi ka nahihirapan, para di ka naiinis.
Me: you're crazy, straight ka, and friendship nga ayoko, boyfriend pa kaya?
Look, just go away.
Him: Could you please, just once in your life, try to consider na may nagpapahalaga sa'yo. You really won't find someone who will care for you if you keep on ignoring them, i know this will hurt you, but as you've mentioned, you were dumped by your parents.
Me: Thanks for reminding me.
Him: Is this your way of being fair with life? ida-dump mo din mga tao sa paligid mo?
That moment on.. I looked at his eyes, and saw sincerity. Like i've never seen from anyone before. After that, i avoided him, but he kept on pursuing me. So, February, naging kami. Though our friendship didn't last, it was replaced by something more than that. My life started to change, i wake up each day inspired and confident. Confident na may nagmamahal na saken. We hang out at school, pagkatapos kakain muna kami bago ako umuwi. taong bahay pa din ako, pero masaya ako pag nasa school. I've met his parents and siblings, they seem to tolerate us, but not totally proud of what we have. He also got a chance to meet my foster parents, and it's also the same. My foster parents tolerate me. I was loved, a long time ago, until nagkaroon sila ng tunay niilang anak, and who am i to question their attention? Anyway, ayun, naging open ako kay Jayson. Nalaman niya yung buhay ko, at pinatatag kami nun. Tumagal kami. Senior year sa college. 1st sem. Someone goes between us. Patricia is her name, and she is beautiful. Nagloko sa pag-aaral si Jay, at natuon siya sa mga barkada niya dahil nakakawala "daw" sila ng stress kapag mahirap ang mga exam. Never ko siyang pinagbawalan sa kahit anong gusto niyang gawin.. but dumating ang end ng sem at may bagsak siya. Kinausap ako ng mama niya, since pinagbilin din naman saken siya ni tita, but i can't control him. Start ng second sem, may nabalitaan ako. There's a photo of him and Patricia kissing. I was shocked.
To be continued
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