I've always told myself, that only by learning as a person can I grow. Even mistakes, they do play an important role in everyone's life.
Never did I imagine na kung kelan masaya ako saka ko naman napiling magsulat ng parte sa buhay kong nagbigay at nagpamulat sa aking mga mata sa mga bagay bagay na hindi ko ninais matanto, ang lalim noh?
Sabi nga nila, when we love we are fools in love. Never knowing the consequence of what love may bring to us, like fire bound to unleash, destroy and cause havoc. We feel we are heroes, not widthstanding pain. But in the end, it is only when we love that we can feel that there are some things worth living, worth losing, even though we have shunned the thought of knowing of the word tomorrow, still we love. Siguro kung tatanungin ko ulit sa sarili ko ang tanong na hiningi kong ibigay ng puso ko noon, siguro ngayon kaya na niya magbigay ng simpleng sagot.
"Will my decision make the better of me, or tear me apart? Or will this change me? I'm scared, but I have to, it's the only right thing to do. Or it's the choice that I ought to do."
I met Adel through a seminar in one of my usual business setups that the company does every couple of months for the company's growth (daw). I'm not really required to attend but then there was something pushing me to attend that day. Siguro the fact that I wasn't feeling that well, I had a flu that's why. Eh kesa mag istambay ako sa bahay, manood ng dvd's or watch television, mas pinili kong pumasok sa seminar. My boss even said to me that I should go home and take a day off or have at least a sick leave with pay (of course) pero may pagka workaholic kase ako. Okay fine! Not really the term "medyo" pero I am a self confessed workaholic. Masyado kase akong stressed if I've got nothing to do, eh at least sa seminar I would get to mock the new employees and be the evil manager that I am. Haha! But of course the evil me, pahinga siya dun sa seminar kase nilalagnat kaya andun lang ako sa likod watching over the team while Adel lectured about the programs, company budgets and the sorts. Masyado kase akong busy sa kaka singa ng sipon ko kaya medyo disturbance ang aking presence pero it's okay at least I got to do my job right which is to watch over the newbies or the fresh meat..
Well as for Adel, he was a very good speaker. And he looked good in his coat and tie, maski the tie looks off in his polo with that certain sponge bob effect na hindi ko maimagine kung kanino niyang idea ang ipartner ang yellow printed tie with a blue coat. Wow, pansinin daw ba. Anyway, he approached me when we had a break and told me about some business matters about the company, their company and the usual small talk you get with businessmen. Pero sabi ko, "Don't mind me, I'm just watching over them." And he retorted with a question, "But aren't you the chairman's son? Anong ginagawa mo dito?" I just brushed his question away with a simple remark "I'm just a manager" yun lang." And simply walked away habang singa ng sipon sa tissue to the max ang drama ko.
When the seminar was over, he approached me again and apologized for his direct unethical tone earlier in the seminar. He also said that he was a classmate of mine in college and after that, we gave our introductions. I was schocked of course, kase sa liit ba naman ng mundo diba naalala pa niya ako tapos siya hindi ko maalalang nag-exist nga ba talaga siya sa class na yun. At sabi rin niya na hindi daw niya ako makakalimutan dahil sa medyo eskandaloso kong recitation sa class na yun. So I asked him bakit hindi ko siya maalalang naging classmate ko nga siya. Sabi niya, that was his last term na daw kase sa Singapore na siya nag-aral after nung term na yun. At tahimik daw talaga siya sa class kaya hindi daw talaga siya mapapansin.
He gave me his calling card and asked me out for some business proposal thingie that I wasn't really minding that time but since he was so hesitant and kind of annoying, I just gave him a simple answer which is "Sure, so just give me the time and location?" At ayun, he had set us up for a business dinner turned into somewhat a date. Ewan ko, akala ko business dinner yun pero sa sinehan kame napunta. He was expecting that movie to be shown for quite some time eh ngayon lang siya nagka oras na manood ng sine at sinama pa ako. Oh yes, sigaw siya ng sigaw sa isang horror chick flick at ako naman, singa ng singa sa tissue at manhid na sa mga tili at nakakairitang boses ng mga babaeng mahaharot sa likod namin. At siya naman, nakakapit na sa kamay ko. Tinititigan ko siya ng matalim, habang singa sa hawak hawak kong tissue, kung napapansin kong kakaiba na kinikilos niya. At nagsosory talaga siya, at least he has manners pag nabuburaot ako sa kanya. At sa segundong lumabas yung pesky monster na halatang tinadtad ng prosthetics sa pinapanood naming movie eh napatalon naman itong ubod ng brusko at medyo maskuladong mama na si Adel na nakaupo sa tabi ko sabay hawak sa jacket ko. Ako naman, balak ko na sanang singahan tong si Adel kaya lang gwapo kaya sige pagbigyan. Sa mga minutong iyon alam kong kalahi ko rin itong si Adel and I think he knew it the first time that he saw me that I was on the other side. (Yeah, return of the Jedi!) Kaya naman ang lakas ng loob niyang gawing date ang napag-usapang business meeting na yun.
We had dinner afterwards and had the usual conversation. About his family, him being the youngest and his sister and brother na pamilyado na and his parents living in Pampanga and everything about his life and with him having a girlfriend. Ako rin naman nagshare kahit papano. He told me that what attracted him the most to me was that I looked so cool and so calm the first time he met me. And tama nga hinala ko, naamoy niyang bakla ako, pero ako hindi ko siya namalayang kalahi ko siya. Well it was not until we watched the movie, there I was sure he was also gay. He was holding another guy's hand while watching a scary movie for goodness sake. What could be gayer than that? Nagulat akong sinabi niya sa akin na, "You know, we are more alike than what you think. I am attracted to the same sex as well. Haha!" Sabi ko, "Don't you have a girlfriend?" reaction naman niya, "Bakit, bilang na mga straight sa mundo. Hindi naman porket may girlfriend ako eh I'm completely straight. I could be bisexual. Hahaha."
After the first date, we dated a couple of times and with me not taking things seriously, as if it was just a simple friendship that I share a common secret and interest with someone" the both of us being you know who. We were very platonic, as in para lang kaming magkabarkada at mag bestfriend kung titignan mo talaga. Even my bestfriend who turns out to be a girl, the sole person who knows and whom have I admitted to about my sexuality, insists na para lang kameng magkabarkada ni Adel and even she would refer it into one of our "Gay Bonding Moments". Minsan natanong ko si Adel, about the fact that he has a girlfriend and what if by chance she gets to know about him his real self. Sabi lang niya, eh hindi naman siya nakikipagsex sa ibang guys. At wala naman siyang ka relationship na lalake, at ako na nakakaalam about him being bisexual/gay ay tinuturing pa niyang matalik na kaibigan kaya hindi naman masama ginagawa niya na kasama ako ayon sa kanyang explanasyon. At sabi rin niya, mas mabuti na daw na ang lalakeng kasama niyang lumalabas at nakaka bonding ay parang matalik na kaibigan na niya kesa naman iba't ibang lalake. Reaction ko naman, "Hindi kaya defensive ka lang sa pagiging bading mo, kung maski nga ang mag bestfriend na babae at lalake minsan nagkakatuksuhan pa. Tayo pa kaya na lalake rin ang hanap. Malamang at some point we would fall for each other unless aminin mo na sa girlfriend mo kung ano ka talaga. Nakakaawa kaya siya, niloloko mo lang siya in reality. Kung tanggapin niya sa sarili niya na you are both attracted to both sexes, ibig sabihin lang non, eh mahal na mahal ka talaga niya"
At ayun, parang napikon ata sa comment ko at sabi niya ayaw na niyang pagusapan ang mga bagay na yun. So hindi ko na tinuloy, baka kase mag-init pa ulo niya. Manlilibre pa man din siya that time ng sine haha, napaka friendly user ko talaga.
Nagtataka nga rin ako kay Adel nung mga panahong yun kung bakit never niyang nasabi sa girlfriend niya na si Dianne na meron siyang bestfriend na lalake which is me (na nakaka alam ng sikreto niya). Eh di ba lahat naman ng mga bakla kelangan stick together sila, magkakampi because you share something in common. Bakit ang mga lalake at babae, ganun rin naman diba. Lalakeng bestfriend na lalake, babaeng bestfriend na babae eh di ganon rin dapat siya, bisexual na may bestfriend na mukhang lalake at kilos lalake na sinasadyang bakla - which is me. Hindi rin naman kase nagtagal, nalaman rin ng girlfriend niya na he had a certain closeness with someone na akala pa nung si Dianne eh kabit daw ni Adel na girl. Kase ba naman, pangalan ko sa phone niya initials of B.B. which is short for "Baklang Buddy" na inakala ni Dianne eh Baby daw. Kaya ayun, parang napilitang sabihin ni Adel na magbestfriend kame. Hindi naman ako nagseselos kay Dianne pag parang third-wheel ako sa groupo. Para bang extra, or yung saling ket-ket. Dahil maski yung dalawang lovebirds na magkahawak ng kamay habang naglalakad sa mall at ako naman andito lang ako sa likod kinikilig sa kanila at nag mumuni muni, eh masaya at kuntento ako sa singlehood ko at maging sa kanila.
Dianne and I also got to have our bonding moments together, we even go to malls or pag magshopping siya minsan ay ina-aya na niya ako. Naturingan na niya akong kapatid kase nadamay na siya sa closeness that Adel and I shared together. Nakakatawa kase pag hindi available boyfriend niya, ako yung nahahatak at nadedehado kaya nagmumukha kameng magsyota ni Dianne eh sa higpit ba naman ng hawak sa braso ko.
Diyos ko po! Hindi kame talo ni Dianne!
Sabi ni Adel, ang landi ko daw pati daw girlfriend niya sinusulot ko. Pabiro naman niyang sinasabi yun ah pero sa totoo lang if I were to analyze my being "gayness" hindi naman ako yung pokpok na bakla na pati sa comfort room eh kumekerengkeng or nakikipag sexual intercourse sa mga taong nakaka eyeball. I have nothing against those kind of people, it's their preference ika nga at kanya kanyang diskarte yan sa buhay. Pero diba choice ko rin yung maging hindi malandi. Medyo negative ang pananaw ko sa ganyan, hindi porket naging bakla ako eh gagawin ko nang sarili kong pokpok at bababaan ang tingin ko sa sarili ko just because the possibility of gays in the world of meeting Mr. Right would be zero to nothing so since wala namang percentage na magkaroon ng Mr. Right, eh nagpapapokpok na lang iba diyan. That is so unlike me, hindi rin naman ako inosente pagdating sa sebs. I had one seb in my lifetime at hindi na naulit yun kase yung kargada ng tumira sa akin eh pagkalaki laki kaya dinugo agad ako. And after the sex, maski mala Adonis siya naging pangit siya bigla sa paningin ko knowing na nakikipagsex ako sa taong hindi ko naman mahal. Samantalang pwede naman akong magjakol sa bahay at hindi pa kargo de konsensya ko na naging parausan ang katawan ko sa walang katuturan na bagay.
FACT: I've had sexual encounters before and kahit papano malibog naman ako. The first time that I had sex was with my college suitor turned out boyfriend na ewan ko kung pano naging bading yun eh halos lahat ng sports alam. Pati extreme sports which is drag racing, motorcross, rock climbing, bungee jumping ay sobrang hilig niya (un lang alam kong extreme sports eh, yung iba feeling ko hindi extreme sports). With his goatee, two pierced earrings, his tatooes it really shocked me when he came into the doorstep of my condo unit near school na may dalang bulaklak na para bang may dalaginding na nililigawan. Aba, gawin akong babae. Binagsakan ko nga ng pinto dahil hindi ako babae para ilagay sa pedestal at tratuhing binabae. At ayun nagmukha siyang tangang kaka doorbell sa pintuan. At tinext pa akong, he loves a good challenge daw. At nagreply naman ako through text na hindi kame talo kase ayoko ng baklang mukhang killer. Ayoko naman kase yung extreme side of masculinity. Nasobrahan na sa pagiging lalake at hindi mo ma assume sa sarili ko kung may sensitive side pa ba yang asa loob niya para maturingan siyang bakla. So he cried on my doorstep and told me at nag monologue at nagdrama at sinermonan pa ako na he thought that I was not shallow and would look beyond deeper of what a person really is, kase that was the thing that he love the most about me daw (Diyos ko, ano to!) and with me looking into inner beauty (uso pa ba ito?). Well it worked for me kaya napapasok ko siya sa loob ng condo at ayun, nirape na ako. Torrid kissing dito, torrid kissing diyan. Siya lang ang taong nakapag pa tuwad sa akin ng 4 na beses sa isang gabi ng hindi man lang siya nanlalambot, eveready battery nga ang tawag ko sa kanya.. At ako pagod na pagod na, pero wala, go pa rin si Mr. Hayok sa laman.
Sinagot ko siya after nung first time na nagsex kame kase alam kong 1 taon niya rin akong pinagnanasahan at ako naman iniiwasan siya dahil alam kong gusto niya ako. And I think after that sexual experience with him, I got to realize things that maybe I do like this guy and I was just too scared to admit to myself that I was falling in love with with him kaya ko siya iniwasan. Ang weird talaga ng pag-ibig, para lang tanga.
I got to know him because he was the cousin of a friend of a friend of a friend of mine. In short, classmate ko siya. That was in my Philippine Literature Class when we studied the works of Amado Daguio, Neil Garcia and etc... Hinding hindi ko makakalimutan on that class when my female professor tackled homosexuality due to our latest comparative literature analysis. It was the poem called "The Conversion" of Neil Garcia that brought up that topic. He detested homosexuality and the professor was arguing with him. Malay ba ng prof namin na bakla siya, sobra sobrang pamhinta effect. He was pretending to be homophobic and he completely detested the existence of homosexuals on the phase of the planet. Ako tahimik lang sa gilid syempre at nakatingin sa splendid moon towering the building. Palibhasa sobrang lamig sa class kaya tinatago kong nangangatog mga ipin ko sa lamig. Nung tinawag ako ng professor ko about my say about the existence of homosexuality. I just said:
"Ms. I am gay."
The professor shocked, including the whole class.
"because if there would be a man whom I can fall in love with, without the environment depicting any rules among gender which is possible and is rampantly happening nowadays.. It is inevitable for me to fall in love for a guy given the certain conditions that I myself do not know. So homosexuality do exist. But since there is no guy that I could fall in love with, then there is no reason for me to be gay. Mam, love breaks boundaries. And if love can destroy one's embedded image of aspects that involves one's enclosed ideals that society have inputted within one's mind then love can also break the overgeneralized ideologies when it comes to sexuality. Marami po kasing tanga sa mundo mam."
After my speech nag bell na nun at time na. I could hear the annoying comments of my futile classmates saying, "Oh my God, bakla ba siya? He is so sayang, grabeh na ito!" and "Baka bi-sexual lang?". One guy I heard as I exit my class say, "Tangna pare, nakasama ko pa man din siya mag comfort room the other day. Buti na lang hindi ako tsinupa sa C.R. Hahahaha."
That's when I realized that all the while, people thought I was straight until the time I gave them a clue about who I really am. Nakakatawa no. And that was the start that everyone treated me differently including him. Paglabas ko sa classroom he congratulated me into my very nice speech. And then he said, "Your different from the guys that I've met. Want to go out sometimes?" At yun rin umpisang iniwasan ko siya. Ang dami talagang tanga sa mundo, grabeh na ito!
Frankly speaking, he is a hottie. Medyo may pagka foreigner look siya kase half Austrian something at half pinoy. He is a good breed and a very good person. Wala na sa mga naging ex boyfriends ko ang kasing bait, understanding, caring at loving na tao tulad niya. Lahat na ng kagaguhan ay nagawa ko na sa kanya but him, he still affirms to the fact that he loves me no matter what and that love could widthstand everything. Para kase kameng yin and yang. We compliment each other, he is the good side with a very very contradicting look on his physical aspect and ako naman, good boy effect pero may tinatagong topak.
We were not a perfect couple ika nga. We had a many fights about petty things, him being so jealous of my straight friends. Minsan talagang war freak na siya, as in nagbabato ng kung anong mahawakan niya sa sobrang galit kase nagger ako pag nag away kame. Syempre dahil palaban ako, kaya ko naman makipag suntukan sa kanya at bubugan kung bugbugan. Pero it never got to that point of a fist-fight and he never laid a finger on me. Pag napapansin kong umiiyak na siya or tears would start flowing in his eyes alam ko nang nasasaktan na siya. Alam niyang hindi ako nagsosory pero once I hug him or kiss him, he knows that it's my own way of saying sorry.
A big problem with our relationship though is that my mother detested him. His parents stopped his school funding nung nalaman na may boyfriend siya. Alam naman kase ng parents niya yung about him being gay, ayaw lang nila na merong significant other anak nila, parang denial effect sa sarili nila syempre magulang eh. The good thing about us is that we fought for what we believed in. He defended me against all odds and I protected him against what my mother would say about him. In the end, we came triumphant. Maski hindi na parents niya nagpapaparal sa kanya he became independent. Kase ba naman sa dami niyang racket eh yun tuloy yung nakatustus sa mga luho niya in life like his passion which is sport and at the same time, his school funding. My mother that time still disagreed with me in having him as a partner kase daw mukhang masasaktan lang daw ako sa kanya. My mother's prophecy turned to be so true nung officially iniwan niya ako with consent (nagpaalam siya sa akin). As they say, good things come to an end. He had to go leave the Philippines and pursue further his studies abroad. Natanggap kase yung sinubmit niyang scholarship for some university in England. Hindi ko siya kinausap for a month. And siya, hindi magawang kausapin ako because he knew that I was hurting, and in so much pain. Sabi niya, he just could not bear of me looking like that. But I realized one thing, "First love never dies" so bakit ko siya sasakalin sa bagay na gusto niya sa buhay diba. Wala na akong nagawa that time but choose the more selfish reason for myself, let him go inspite of my happiness. When we were at the airport, I never shed a tear for him, but my heart was bleeding na pinagdadasal kong ma hi-jack yung plane para lang hindi siya maka alis ng Pinas. And with me having this innate feeling that if ever we bump into each other, given the freedom of not having attachments and responsibilities I know that we would still be together. Unless one of us did change in the long run. Siya yung humagulgol dun sa airport, habang ako naman I tried to be so cool and steady kase tingin na ng tingin na mga tao sa amin. Sabay yakap pa ng mahigpit, hahalikan pa sana ako sa lips pero sabi ko na lang"Not here, maybe some other time." But I wanted to kiss him so bad, but I was scared that time na baka that would be my last kiss to him. So I didn't. I couldn't. Nawalan kame ng contact pag-alis niya, when I heard news about him...he got married and had kids there in Europe after 7 years of separation. Remus, or as I would always call him "Ram" would always be the one who got away.
After that I fixated myself in college life. Then after graduation, I focused on work. To tell you the truth, I never got any boyfriends after Ram. I dated a couple, had some flings, but it never became serious. Dahil nga I constricly protested sexual precedings before a relationship, eh ayun natigang ako for a loooooooonnnnggg time. And then nakipag SEB ako (the one I told earlier in the story), at hindi ko nagustuhan feeling after. Kaya tigang pa rin ako until the time na may nangyari sa amin ni Adel. It was really nothing, tapos! Talagang purely libog lang. I apologized to him when we woke up after the incident at my place but he just said, "What for? Para namang hindi ako yung gumawa ng first move."
Nakokensensya ako syempre, hello may girlfriend yung tao. Na sa sobrang pagiging close namin eh para ng kapatid turing ko sa kanya. Never in my mind na sumagi sa utak ko na may mangyayari sa amin. At sa kung kailang asa matino akong pag-iisip kase hindi naman ako lasing para pagnasahan ko siya eh saka naman may nangyari sa amin.
Eto kase iyun, ininvite ko siyang mag-cofee sa bahay after namin kumain sa labas at dahil na rin may kukunin siya sa bahay. Which is yung librong tapos ko ng basahin at gusto kong ipabasa sa kanya (out of town kase nun si Dianne). Sabi kase niya gusto na niyang umpisahan yung book kase sobrang excited daw ako nung nakwento ko sa kanya.. The ambience in the room, the song of Nora Jones playing on the background, dim lights, me sitting in the lounge chair just meters away from him sipping coffee and him suddenly staring at me and when our eyes met made the perfect setting for a predicament that something would happen that night. Punyetang Nora Jones kase yan. When he moved inches near me, I sensed a different air coming from him and something came up on my mind which I presumed would happen which indeed happened. He grabbed my head and kissed me, liplocked my lips to his and inserted his tounge as if mine were never to escape his delirious desire. With his woody, intoxicating scent due to his perfume (I just couldn't resist a good smelling man maski pawisan na) made him seem to be so irrisistable. Ito ang tinatawag na TANGINA, kahit naman siguro may iharap sa iyo na gwapong lalake maski magdasal ka sa mga Santo para hindi ma tempt, maski alam mong hindi ka naman nila pwedeng tulungan, eh hindi ka ba naman bumigay. Kaya ayun, his fingers tore my clothes open, his tounge lashing on every part of my body, his fingers caressing every sensual area I never imagined, his hands going to places I never expected and he was so passionate about pleasing me. I never received a blowjob from him but his kisses would have made me come, alone. Our bodies were gyrating in skin to skin friction of sheer ecstacy (bakit ganon, parang American version ng Xerex ang pag nanarate ko. Ay nako, paki niyo, enjoy naman kayo). When he kissed me, I kissed him harder. When I couldn't hold it any longer that I want to take him inside me, I pushed him in the sofa and bobbed my head to his private area in all directions that made him moan and groan like there's no tomorrow. Going to his navel, his hairy nipples that were as pink as a girls, kissing his neck up to his lips which was the only process of delivering my desire within that moment. I had silent screams of elated feelings and bit on the sofa pillow as hard as I could as he entered me (oo, malaki yung sa kanya). Akala ko magiging gentle siya habang pinapasok niya ari niya sa likuran ko pero hindi, sinagad agad nung hayop na yun which made me scream and made him even more excited and at same time, the tension made me even more rowdy. Para kang nanonood ng porno na hardcore kase sa sobrang rough ng sex namin that night. The chemistry which is yung pagiging tigang ko, and him who never slept with a guy for a long time made the both of us experts in the field on that uncalled night. Simply amazing how the both of us came. We were so tired of the fucking that we forgot to come and sabay kaming nag collapse sa carpet flooring. And he came on top me and kissed me and both of us came, our genitals clashing together. Kaya nung pag gising ko sa umaga, with him beside me and us naked with his arms wrapped around me I just noticed na sobrang lagkit ng tiyan ko from our dried cum. When I realized who was beside me, nagising siya and I said in an extreme manner "I'm sorry!"
After that "Sex thingie" that we had, he somewhat became serious about things and I evaded him as much as possible. He never laughed at my usual jokes, even pag kasama girlfriend niya para siyang palaging wala sa sarili niya. I always pretended to be busy at talagang kung ano anong dahilan nirarason ko pag gusto niyang lumabas. Maski sa mga bonding moments namin, he would always seem so off. Pag nakasama naman ako sa mga lakad nilang dalawa kasama si Dianne, I pretended everything was all right. Whenever I would ask him what's wrong, kung may problema sa work or with Dianne he would just say na okay lang lahat. Whenever he would text me a question if I was evading him, sabi ko lang, talagang marami akong ginagawa. Pano ba naman magiging okay eh palagi siyang mukhang tanga pag nakikita ko siya. At pano ba namang hindi niya mapapansing iniiwasan ko siya eh nahuli niya akong nagsinungaling, kase sinurpresa niya ako sa office dahil gustong lumabas after work. Una muna, nagyaya siya through text at reply ko naman nakaalis na ako. Saka naman paglabas ko sa building eh andun siya. Hindi na lang siya nagtanong at nginitian na lang ako at ako naman nagdahilan ulit. Buti na lang nagring ang phone ko at yung head ng department namin ay nagtawang ng emergency meeting at lifesaver talaga. Para na rin maiwasan kong magdahilan pa ng kung ano ano sa kanya kaya nakatakas ako kahit papano maski hindi ko madrawing mukha niya. Sa totoo lang, parang palaging lumilipad isip niya. Siguro nahahalata niya na dahil may nangyari sa amin kaya distant ako. Then I finally found out his version of why he acted that way, of why all the time he was not the same.
It happened one late night when he invited me to watch some movies at his place, it was not a first but it was a first time for me that he invited me to sleep there kase nga DVD marathon daw. Of course being the friendly "bestfriend" that I am to him, I agreed to his invitation with one condition na walang inuman because I don't like drinking. Maybe smoking pwede pa, pero drinking until we pass out, I just don't like the idea. It was 9 pm when I rang the doorbell and si Manang yung nakabukas at naka pangtulog na. It was a Saturday eve. When I entered his pad, nagulat ako kung bakit napaka gloomy nung place. Wala man lang ilaw na nakabukas sa sala at parang wala yung mga katulong niya. When I went to the lounge room, there I saw stacks of beer cans piled up na para bang maraming darating. And I saw him sitting in the sofa wearing a white shirt and his boxers. Galing ako sa office, prim and proper na naka formal ako kaya I felt slightly awkward na nakapangtulog na siya. Not because his chest muscles were showing (haha!) but because he looked so sad, empty and hollow na para bang namatayan. So I asked him what was wrong, he smiled and said "Nothing, don't mind me. Make yourself at home. Sorry kung may beer, I just felt like drinking. I don't want you to drink so I'm drinking it all by myself."
Naturingan ko na siyang bestfriend sa totoo lang, kase when the time na ako yung depressed about my dad leaving my mom for another woman, kasama ko si Adel na kainuman sa bahay ko and he was comforting me, hugging me with all his might just to help me ease the pain. Habang humagulgul ako I told him, "Pano nagawa sa amin to ng tatay ko. Kung nasaktan siya nung nalaman niya na bakla anak niya, mas masakit ginawa niya sa mommy ko. Walang katumbas ang mga luhang pumapatak sa mata ng nanay ko ngayon kumpara sa pigil na luha niya nung nalaman niyang may boyfriend anak niya."
I sat beside him, sabi ko what's the problem. Nagulat ako sa sinabe niyang nakipagbreak siya kay Dianne. That was totally unexpected coming from him na siya yung type ng lalakeng gagawa ng ganon for the 2 years that I've known him. Napasigaw ako ng bakit, and tahimik lang siya sabay bukas ng beer, I was so confused whether what his reason would be kase napaka perfect na ng relasyon nila. They never argue about anything, about something and most of all not about someone. Kaya natanong ko kung may third party bang involved, sabi niya meron daw. At tinanong ko kung sino, kung si Dianne ba or siya. Sabi ko, "Putang ina naman Adel, napamahal na sa akin si Dianne. Ikaw ba ang may kalaguyo, kinakalantari, or kabit. Prangkahin mo nga ako? Hindi ako naniniwalang magkakaroon siya ng kabit dahil alam kong mahal na mahal ka nung tao."
I loved Dianne as my sister, from the time she told me about her dreams and aspirations to the time she told me about Adel. I know that I have to protect her from him, ang masaktan siya sa katotohanan about Adel. Nung asa beach kame nung naplano naming tatlo to spend the summer together, she told me "If Adel would be the right guy for me, gusto kong umabot sa point na yung relationship namin is that he would give me heartaches, problems, and show me his weaknesses yung kase ang alam kong normal na relationship, hindi yung tulad nito na para bang picture perfect. Kase sa ngayon, he is like this mystery I am still to unfold. Tama ba? Haha! Eh kase naman, Adel seems so perfect. Masyadong good boy sa akin. Still, I want to be a part of his world. Sabihin ko sa iyo kuya maski bestfriend ka niya, I still do not know much of the guy I've been in love for almost 6 years of my life. Maski nung asa college pa kame, he is like this piece of paper waiting to be written with words that express emotions. Ewan ko ba bakit patay na patay ako diyan sa bestfriend mo, para bang maski kaming dalawa mas feel ko mas kilala mo pa siya. He feels like a stranger to me, or I'm the stranger in his life. Oh my God, I'm crying na. Ikaw kase eh kuya." Wheh Dianne opened up that to me, ang nasabi ko lang "You are his world. Why worry? Haha, ang drama mo talaga. Tama na nga iyak. Let's have a toast to that Mr. Mysterious and her troublesome girlfriend. Hahahaha."
Napatayo si Adel sa sofa. Nagulat ako when I saw him enraged in a snap of a finger at what I said, "It's complicated kase. Hindi ganon kadali yun. Madaling sabihing kasalanan ko pero tao lang ako. I'm a man who can be tempted. Mahirap ring pigilan ang sariling kong hindi matukso."
So I told him, "Bakit hindi mo pinigilan? Ganon lang kasimple yun Adel, isang simpleng proseso sa pagitan ng oo at hindi."
Tumalikod siya sa akin, at huminga ng malalim.
"Akala ko ba pumunta ka dito para manood?"
"Akala ko ba mahal mo si Dianne?"
"Akala ko ba kaibigan mo ako?"
"Akala ko rin na hindi mo siya kayang saktan? Ikaw na ang pinaka bobong taong nakilala ko sa planet earth alam mo ba yun?"
"Nagawa mo pang magbiro, iba ka rin. Bakit hindi mo ako kayangintindihin? Pwede bang lawakan mo pag-iisip mo.. Stop being so narrow minded."
"Narrow minded ang alin? Ang pagiging tanga mo? Mahirap Adel, mahirap. You just can't push me to side with you knowing it's all your fault."
"Eh putang ina naman eh, kasalanan mo to lahat. Gago!"
"Aba gago ka rin, pano ko naging kasalanan ang lahat Adel? Cge nga, ipaliwanag mo. Ako ba ang may kabit, ako ba ang nakipagbreak dahil sa sarili kong katangahan? Ako ba ang natukso? Bestfriend mo lang ako, pero hindi punching bag mo para ibato mo lahat sa akin ng galit mo at..."
Pinutol niya pagtatalak ko at nagbulalas ng, "Kasalanan mo to! kasalanan mo to! Why do you have to make me fall for you. Bakit? I thought you are my friend
Napaupo siya sa sofa, I could see him hiding those tears that gave out so much meaning. He put his head on his lap.
"After what happened nung gabing yun, things got cleared in my head. It's your choice na hindi mangyari yun. Alam mong may girlfriend ako at alam mong mahal ko siya. Pero bakit mas mahal kita. Parang mas mahal kita? Ikaw ang nagpatukso, ikaw ang tumukso sa akin. Madaling humindi. Why did you agree?"
"Anong mahal mo ako Adel? The most common word but never understood. Ang daling isipin pero ang hirap intindihin."
I walked out on him, at habang nagmamadali na akong tumakbo sa gate palabas. He ran towards me and stopped me from going further. As I hesitated at sumisigaw ng "Bitawan mo ako, this is pointless." He grabbed my cheeks and kissed me. At nasuntok ko siya ng malakas, actually hindi ko ineexpect na ganon kalakas. Sabi ko sa kanya habang napaupo siya while blood was rushing down his eyebrows (ang warfreak ko noh!)
"Kung hindi ka sigurado Adel sa nararamdaman mo sa akin, kung PARANG lang ang pagmamahal na meron ka diyan sa puso mo. Kung option lang ako dahil narealize mo after all these years na bakla ka. Eh magisip isip ka. Dahil hindi ako tanga, bobo, engot at manhid para pumatol sa tulad mong balimbing. Pagod na ako Adel, sawa na ako sa ganito na puro uncertainties meron buhay ko. At ano, bukas hindi mo na ako mahal. Next week medyo mahal mo ako, at next month sawa ka na. May isang taong nagmamahal sa iyo Adel, you have the best fucking girlfriend, lover and friend any guy could ever ask. Even as the mother of your future kids, Dianne would be the best candidate. It's not love Adel, it's just lust dun sa nangyari sa atin. Ngayon kung seseryosohin mo nararamdaman mo sa akin, while I laugh at your stupidity for falling for a guy like me who thinks you are just a friend, your wasting your life"
He looked at me straight in the eye, the loneliness that pushes through his soul, lingering, wanting to ask that single question that would determine something, a future unknown.
"Mahal mo ba ako? Sabihin mo kung mahal mo ako, dahil hindi ko na kilala sarili ko para sa iyo."
"I can't love you Adel, it takes time before someone would know the answer to a single question he is dying to solve. Para sa iyo, alam mo na yung sagot. Nagpapaligoy ligoy ka lang. This is stupid, I'm going home."
I walked out his door without looking back. I didn't cry, why should I? Hindi ba? Hoy mag-agree ka sa akin, nakikibasa ka lang ng kwento ko. Kaya wala kang karapatang hindi um-oo.
Sige na nga, aminin ko na na umiyak ako. Pagdating ko sa bahay, I cried and cried and cried my heart out. Hello, kahit naman sinong tanga, mangyari sa iyo yun iiyak ka. Iniwan ka na nga ng boyfriend mo at nag-abroad na akala mo sumasalamin na sa katagang PERFECT RELATIONSHIP, tapos dadarating pa itong isang epal na lalakeng may girlfriend na hindi mo namang hindi maiwasang hindi ma in love. Diyos ko po! Pano ba naman, merong isang lalakeng parang 24/7 kasama ko. Pag nanood ng sine, kasama ko siya. Pag kumain sa labas, kasama ko siya. Pag gumimik, kasama ko siya. Pag mag-out of town, kasama ko siya. Pag nasiraan ako ng kotse, isang tawag mo lang andyan siya. Pag may problema siya sa trabaho, ako kakwentuhan at ginagawang diary niya kase yung girlfriend niya daw puro positive thinking ang iniisip. Minsan naman, kelangan niya ng taong nakikinig lang, yung walang comment, or minsan babatukan na lang siya pag medyo "tanga tangahan" siya. Which is ginagawa ko naman pag tanga nga talaga siya, nauumpog ko pa nga yan sa pader pag nagkwekwento yan sa akin, tapos pag inanalyze ko yung kwento niya at napansin kong siya yung may kasalanan, hay nako, nag-iinit ulo ko at hindi ko pwedeng pigilan ang sarili kong hindi siya masaktan kase nga may pagka engot siya eh. Alam mo yung matalinong engot. Basta yun na yun.
At eto pa, nung namatay tatay ko (Oh Lord, kamusta na kaya siya sa Hell joke! I've forgiven my dad in all honesty!), syempre may galit ako sa tatay ko. Hayun, siya pa yung nagudyok sa akin na pumunta sa lamay ng tatay ko maski andun yung second family niya. Talagang todo away kami niyan, para bang mag-asawa. Buti naman, ako yung naumpog niya sa pader at natauhang pumunta sa lamay ng tatay ko. Hay nako si Adel nga naman ang ewan sa buhay ko.
Marami na kaming napagsamahan, si Adel yung taong hindi pwedeng mawala sa buhay ko. Pero alam kong mas lalong hindi pwedeng mawala siya sa buhay ni Dianne. Matagal kase ako ma-inlove sa totoo lang. Pero kung ma-inlove naman ako, nagiging mautak ako. Which is bad kase tinitignan ko na pati yung consequence ng action ko in the future. Eh di ba sabi nila, when you fall in love you have to take the risk of everything that involves loving. Bakit nga ba takot na takot akong aminin na mahal na mahal ko si Adel. Siguro, dahil mas hindi ko kayang mawala siya kung sakaling maging kami feeling ko kase iiwanan na naman ako ng isang taong mahal ko. Gaya ng ginawa ni Ram, biglang nag emergency exit sa relationship namin kung saan handa kong ibigay buong buhay ko sa kanya. Well bata pa nga naman ako nun, mga 20 pa lang ako noon nung naexperience ko yung first love at the same time masaktan (late bloomer ako eh, sorry naman). Hay nako, minsan na nga lang ako mainlove tapos ganon pa mangyayari. Kaya mas mabuti ng maging more than friends pero less than lovers na lang kami ni Adel.
Pagdating ko sa bahay, napaisip ako sa sinabi ni Adel. Tama nga siya, I also have the option of rejecting his move which was when he kissed me on that fated night. Pero what has happened that night to the both of us seemed so right and yet so wrong. I didn't feel like a whore nor a slut after we had sex, maybe because all along alam ko na mahal ko siya. Kaya siguro agree na agree yung puso ong magsex kame, na pati utak ko walang nagawa na ireject yung idea of having sex with him. Hindi rin naman lust yung tawag dun kase para namang wala siyang girlfriend para pagbuhusan niya ng libog diba. Eh mas wild pa nga si Dianne kesa kay Adel para hindi maging exciting ang sex life nila. Pero bakit ganon, mas gusto niya yung nangyari sa aming dalawa. Alam ko namang bakla si Adel , pero why did he enjoy what the both of us have done? Ako rin, bakit hindi ko napigilan sarili ko? Dahil ba we both are in love rin? Bakit ko ba tinatanong sarili ko, para naman makakabigay ka ng sagot eh nagbabasa ka lang ng kwento ko.
Dianne called me, that was in a late afternoon. Magkita daw kame sa isang cafe malapit sa office ko. Mas nauna akong dumating sa kanya sa coffee shop. I smiled at her when she arrieved and hugged her as hard as I can, as long as I could until she said, "Wag na tayong maglokohan at makipagplastikan! You won."
"What do you mean?"
"Hindi pa sapat sa iyo na you have him? That he loves you? That he loves you more than he loves me?"
"How did you know?"
"For the fucking years that we've spent together, I loved him for all that he is. Maski kung ano pa siya. I accepted him for who he was without me telling him that I know. Oo nagduda ako, until that time that I met you. I tried being close to you and wanted to see kung sino ka kompetensya ko."
"What are you implying Dianne?"
"I never got any evidence or any confirmation, maski sa mga text messages niyo it proved to be so casual. Both of you trying so hard to hide your relationship with me."
"We are not together Dianne it's not what you think."
"Stop lying! I'm sick of lying to myself that he can love me more than I love him."
"So what do you want Dianne? Even if I tell you the truth na hindi kame would you believe me?"
"Do you love him?"
"No!"
"Then break it off with him. Tapusin niyo na relasyon niyo kung ano mang meron sa inyong dalawa if you really want to be honest with me."
"Wala namang kame Dianne? Why don't you believe me?"
I got a slap from her. And she walked out of the cafe crying. I was speechless. I stirred my coffee and drank it slowly - very slow. I stayed at the coffee shop while looking at the clouds forming over the sky. Looked at the waiter serving other tables, stared at the clock's hand moving, ticking slowly, ticking away, which hung from the wall beside me. I noticed Adel in front of me, sitting on front of me. I was so deaf. I couldn't hear what he was saying.
The pain was unbearable; I couldn't utter a single word. Words wanted to explode from my mouth. But I was too tired to speak. Too tired to explain and to lie, to him, to her, and to myself. I felt like playing hide and seek with everyone, a resolution I need to face. I could hear the sound of white. I noticed Adel's face whisking away in a blurred image. I wanted to collapse and get everything over with. I wanted to get out of that place, to get out of him with a simple question that kept on bouncing within my head.
"Will my decision make the better of me, or tear me apart? Or will this change me? I'm scared, but I have to, it's the only right thing to do. Or it's the choice that I ought to do."
After minutes, I looked into his eyes. Got the courage to speak up, and when I was about to speak a word he then said, "Sinundan ko si Dianne papunta dito. I know something was up.." I told him, "She knows about you all along"
"Alam ko yun."
"So now what? I love you, and yun lang alam kong gawin ngayon. Ang mahalin ka."
"I still love you."
"Mahal rin kita Adel."
"So what's the problem? I know you love me?"
"I just can't."
That was the last conversation I had with Adel, in that small coffee shop did I say my only form of goodbye to him. The only goodbye I could ever afford and I could remember. And the only time that I expressed my real feelings for him, my first and last "I love you."
Adel got into a somewhat accident after a year nung nangyari sa cofee shop. Nag-iinuman silang magbabarkada and nakasakay sila sa isang Ford Ranger na open latch sa likod ng car truck. Lasing na halos lahat sila when they all drove home. One of them noticed na parang nawawala si Adel. It was too late when they realized na nahulog na siya sa likod ng kotse..
Dianne and him never got back together after the event at the cofee shop. And I went out of the country to escape him. After the accident, he was comatosed for 3 months. And he died on the hospital bed, bedridden.. I never visited him, actually it was too late when I knew of his accident.. Nakatanggap na lang ako ng tawag from his parents that Adel died in the hospital while recovering and I should visit his funeral at Manila. His parents somewhat knew about the relationship that we had. His mother insisted that I come, it's the last and final thing that I could do to his son. I never had the courage to face him in his condition, I never got the courage to look at him while people were crying so disdainly about his death. Adel's parents thought na sila pa rin ni Dianne, even though nakakaramdam mother niya na parang may something kame ng anak niya.
Dianne was the one who looked over Adel the whole time he was in the hospital, until the time of his last dying breath. On Adel's grave site when I thought was the last time I would say goodbye, sabi ni Dianne.
"Alam mo ba, the one thing that I couldn't forget about Adel is that..."
"I'm sorry Dianne, I'm so sorry that I loved him. I'm sorry for everything."
"...is that mahal ka ni Adel maski hanggang sa huling minutong kasama niya ako."
"You are the last person he mentioned before he died. I was holding his hands nung gabing yun. I was watching over him, when he suddenly mentioned your name. And I couldn't believe him that he loved you that much. Ikaw pa rin asa isip niya."
I cried, I wanted to do everything to regain the only moments that I had with him, the last moments that is. I knelt down and asked for forgiveness. My tears were nothing but a speckle of the past that could never be renewed.
"I'm so sorry Adel, patawad."
"I should be the one asking for your forgiveness. I was selfish. I didn't know na kahit anong gawin ko, ikaw pa rin ang mahal niya at mamahalin niya." Dianne said as she tried to comfort me.
"Hon, kain na tayo. I cooked dinner for you."
"Sandali lang tapusin ko muna tong sinusulat ko."
As I am writing this short story of mine, I couldn't help myself but remember the possibilities, the questions running on my mind that were never answered. The longings of my heart that were never fulfilled. My current boyfriend, whom I have been together for almost two and half years knows na kahit kailan, 2 tao lang ang hindi ko makakalimutan sa buhay ko. Ram, my first love and Adel, my greatest mistake. Sabi nga sa akin ni Larry, mas gugustuhin daw niyang maging in the middle lang daw siya sa buhay ko kesa masama sa taong hindi ko kalianman makakalimutan.. Kase kung mag break man kame, at least madali akong makakapag move on. Pero pag sinasabi niya yun, binabatukan ko na lang siya sabi ko masamang biro yun. Baka magkatotoo, hahaha!
I met Larry when I was stranded sa ulan sa may greenbelt at a coffee shop. I browsed the net na lang and did some research stuff for my work. When this guy in a raincoat jacket enters the coffee shop and orders a cappucinno. Sabi ba naman, "Ms. Isang kape nga, kapeccino ba yun. Yung medium size niyo."
Hindi ko napigilang matawa sa sobrang jologs ng pronunciation niya at talagang saksakan ng tanga lang siya. Kaya tuloy dun siya tumabi sa akin, sabi niya, "Sorry kung mali pronunciation ko ng kape. And mali spelling mo ng word na yan."
And he pointed at my laptop's screen. Nagalit ako syempre sabi ko, "Ano bang problema mo? Masama bang tumawa?"
"Oo masamang tumawa sa taong ignorante sa isang bagay na wala naman siyang alam."
"Your overeacting, I was just laughing."
Nagwalk-out siya sa coffee shop at nabadtrip sa akin.
After a few days, he sent me a grande size cuppucino at my desk saying in a small letter, "I hope my pronunciation is right when I ordered this piece of shit!" Nakalagay yung name na Larrfy sa starbucks cup. Included in the letter was his cellphone number so I called immediately mamaya iniistalk pala ako ng tao. He told ma that he saw the letterhead of the company I was working and he saw my name on the laptop bag. He had connections daw within the company so he tracked me down through them. It was the first time for me that someone bluntly tell me na gusto niya ako for no reason. So ayun, we dated after that. It took us almost a year bago naging kame. For me, sabi ko gusto ko walang commitment pero siya gusto niya exclusive na kame na in the long run of our 8 month dating and semi-relationship as I could call it. We almost broke up bago pa maging kami because of his incessant reasoning na bakit daw ayokong mag commit sa kanya. Takot ba daw ako sa commitment or hindi ko lang daw siya mahal. When I realized that he was really serious about us and pati naman ako pero I felt I needed to do something that was stopping me. I asked him to give me a week before I give a final decision. Larry understood me with my condition so it took me less than a week before I gave my answer.
Pumunta ako sa puntod ni Adel bago ko sinagot si Larry. I asked permission from him if whether it was all right if I could have another man besides him in my life. I'm not psychotic to be speaking to the dead but it's just a thing of mine to speak to him because I know and I feel that he is there, with me. I told Larry in the beginning when we were dating that I have a boyfriend. Nung mga first few months na kasama ko siya, he always kept asking about that boyfriend of mine. Nung mga more than half a year na kame, binibiro na niya ako na baka multo daw boyfriend ko. Haha! He then found it interesting na multo nga. Nagulat siya kase sa sementeryo kami pumunta dun sa linggong binigyan niya ako ng ultimatum to make a decision.
"Larry meet Adel, my ex."
"Adel, meet Larry my boyfriend."
Akala ko mag freak out siya sa ginawa ko pero, he looked straight into my eye which gave me shivers down my spine.
"Adel, okay lang ba na maging boyfriend niya ako? Wag mo sana akong multuhin ah, baka kase magselos ka. Wag kang mag-alala, hindi ko lolokohin tong mahal mo. Alam kong hindi ko kayang pantayan pagmamahal mo sa kanya, pero I'll try my best pare. I'll do my best."
I could never compare the love that I have for Ram, Adel and Larry. Three separate guys who are so different, each within a certain period in my life. Each playing significant roles in my life, making me complete. They are the part of the puzzle that makes me whole. Ram's decision changed me, my decision for Adel tore me apart and Larry he made me a better me. In this lifetime, we do not have the luxury to be given second chances nor to be fond of the past, or be spiteful of it. The only thing we can do is make everything better, try our best to spend every day as if it's our last. Adel was my greatest downfall; he made me become a liar. I lied to myself, I lied to him and I lied to Dianne pertaining with my love to Adel. I could have fought back my love for him, I could have been with him, we could have been happy. If only I had the courage, if only I had the strength to fight for something worth winning. But those questions can never be answered by me; these questions drift in the midst of time.
If only I could turn back time, I just wish that things did not turn that way with Adel's death; Adel loving me all along and all the time, and me escaping him. Sometimes I thought about the fact that I think he loved me more than I love him, or that my love was not enough to prove that what he felt transcends emotions. Sometimes I can't help but blame myself of his death, and then I realize the best memories we have shared together and I ask for forgiveness from God for blaming myself. Alam kong hindi niya gustong sisihin ko sarili ko. I know Adel wants me to be happy.
Right now, masaya ako sa buhay ko. It's not all barrels of laughter and joy, pero I sometimes think that God gave me another set of Adel and Ram. When Larry and I decided to move in together, he asked me a serious question if I was ready to move on or still in the process of moving on. I told him, I'd rather choose to move on rather than moving on. To move on has the element of the past turning in to "moved on" while moving on; it's a cycle that can never be finished now or in the future. He never made me forget about Adel. We visited his gravesite every now and then together. The lesser I got the chance to talk to Adel, the more I realize that I have moved on.
Whenever Larry and I would argue about something, he would just puff a cigarette sa terrace if ever our argument became heavy. And when he cries outside the terrace while puffing his cigarette, I slip outside and give him a warm big hug from behind and apologize and just say, "I'm sorry, it's my fault." Mahilig rin manood ng movie itong si Larry, movie fanatic gaya ni Adel. He loves going out every weekends. Sabi nga niya, its our time together kaya dapat walang work. He understands me, he knows me and he loves me. yun lang ang importante sa ganitong relasyon hindi ba, yun lang ang importante sa taong mahal mo hindi ba. Sapat na yun para matawag kong masaya ako sa buhay ko.
Last year, I got a call from someone. A person that is special in my heart, someone so dear. It was Ram. I was so shocked that he got my number, and I was extremely shocked that he got it from Larry. Ram was visiting the country for a business deal he was to close. He wanted to meet me so badly after all these years. So we met sa Megamall kase he was staying sa isang hotel near the place. I asked permission from Larry, pero he just said "Pumunta ka, I know you wanted to. Even though I myself don't want you to go, I can't stop you from something you have been dying to do all these years."
It was late afternoon around 4 PM when he sneaked up behind me sa isang store sa Megamall, I was just looking for some things, when Ram said "You look great! Ganyan ba pag in love?" After that we had dinner. I could sense that the Ram that I knew really changed A LOT. He was sporting a formal look that I never did see him wearing as such. As I've remembered, he abhorred wearing a coat and tie but when I saw him after 14 years para bang his clothes was tailored fit to suit him. Nawala na rin yung mga piercings niya, he combed his hair in a partitioned way so farfetched with his usual scruffy look nung college days namin. Wala na rin yung goatee niya and he looked older with him wearing glasses and some fine lines showing. A 180 degree turn from the Ram that I knew.
He told me about his family, his 3 kids, his 12 year old son, his 8 year old boy and his 5 year old girl being the youngest. He also told me the history of how he met his wife. And what a revelation it was to me. High school sweetheart pala niya yung girl, and his family arranged their wedding. Dahil mahal na mahal nung girl si Ram, nung nalaman na mag-aral siya sa Aboad, their families arranged together that she studies in the same school that she was in. He sent me letters every month but it got mailed back to him, wrong address daw. I had a great feeling that it was my mom's fault why the letters never got to me.
"Bakit hindi ka tumawag man lang or naisipang kamustahin ako?"
"I got scared of course. Someone told me that you already had a girlfriend there."
"The only time that she became my girlfriend was nung nalaman kong nabuntis ko siya. She got me drunk, the next day I know I was at her place naked. She informed my parents that something happened between the both of us. And they were extremely happy about it, and they did not even ask me if I wanted to get married to her or not. They made that decision not mine."
"It's a good decision. At least pinanagutan mo responsibility with the girl, what's her name anyway?"
"It's Kate. And your current boyfriend is Larry. Correct me if I'm mistaken."
"Yup, it's Larry. My Larry."
"So I guess you are happy with him."
"I guess your right. And you are happy with your life?"
"I'm happy with my kids. Kate and I are divorced now. But we stay in our old house sa California every weekends if we have the time at least to spend with the kids. But my kids are staying with my parents. I always travel overseas because of my job."
"Anong nangyari sa Remus na napaka adventure seeking type of guy that I've known?"
"People change. Things change. Para ngang ikaw lang hindi nagbago sa ating dalawa. So what happened with Adel?"
"How did you know about him?"
"I have my sources."
"He is in a much safer place."
"Oh I'm sorry. Larry never told me about that."
"Teka, pano mo pala nakuha yung number ni Larry. It's really boggling me!"
"Did I mention that he and I are close friends?"
"Since when? Aba, magkaibigan pala kayo!."
"And you never told him about me either. So now we're even. Larry and I, we go wayback. Malaki utang na loob ko diyan kay pareng Larry. We go way back in college. He was the one who lent me money remember, kase my parents cut my allowance so you two are happy?"
"Kanina mo pa yan tinatanong. Hahaha. Feeling ko, oo. He makes me laugh though. Even though I find him annoying, and irritating. But the more I do realize that I hate him, the more I realize that I love him. There's your answer."
"Nasaktan naman ako dun sa sinabi mo. You should have broken it to me gentler. But I understand. Napatawad mo na ba ako? I'm sorry for everything."
"People change Ram. Matagal na kitang napatawad… the moment that I got news about you getting married and having kids, that was the time I knew that I have to change. Para na rin sa sarili ko siguro. I can't live in the past. As Regine's Velasquez' song goes, "You've made me stronger by breaking my heart." And I did get stronger, thanks to you."
3 months ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. Even before when Larry pushed me to finally have a check-up, I was already spewing blood. Magaling lang talaga akong magtago pero nung nahuli niya ako minsan sa sala while watching television. He saw my t-shirt with stains of blood while I was coughing and I didn't notice na may dugo na pala bunganga ko (nakakatawa dahil sa katangahan ko pa saka nalaman ni Larry yung sakit ko) . We had the biggest fight that night. Hindi naman sa martyr ako or anything ah, pero alam ko na kasing malapit na akong kunin ni Lord sa totoo lang, I just have that innate feeling. Parang ramdam ko ng andyan na siya. Kaya bakit pa ako magpapakahirap sa mga chemotherapy na yan. Gastos lang yan at the same time, prolonging life out of stupid medicines that make each day miserable. Pero sabi nga nila, habang may buhay may pag-asa.
Hindi siya sa kwarto natulog nung gabing yun. Dun siya sa sala. Pasaway daw ako, hindi ko man lang daw naisip yung nararamdaman niya. Napaka insensitive ko daw. At ang nakakatawa, dun siya natulog sa mom ko. Magsumbong daw ba. The next morning, ayun… pingtulungan na ako ni Larry, my mom and my tita pushing me and convincing me na mag pa-doctor na daw ako. Huwag daw matigas ulo ko.
I went on with my life for a week as if nothing has happened. Hindi pa rin ako kinakausap ni Larry nung mga panahong iyon. Alam kong galit na galit siya sa akin. I only realized how much in pain he was when I accidentally saw him in our room, starring at our photo of which when we had a vacation sa Puerto Galera him crying in silence. Maingay kase yan umiyak si Larry, and alam kong gusto niyang itago mga luha niya sa akin. The next day, I immediately had a check-up. Sabi ng doctor, asa stage 3 na daw ako. I have still have 72% of surviving cancer if I undergo treatment and chemotherapy. Kung hindi daw makuha ng gamot after 8 months, baka sa States na daw ako magpapagamot (hay nako, ang gastos ah!)
The one thing that keeps things alive is the thought that they are what they used to be. Memories brings things back to life, and remembering those moments in our lives brings back the past. Kaya hindi ako naniniwalang hindi mo pwedeng maibalik ang nakaraan, because history repeats itself. I'm living my life on the past, only this time it's better.
Because it is what it is ika nga â€" life.
And for me, it's the only thing that sustains me. As long as I'm living my every breathe, for my remaining days here with Larry… I can never forget the people who have loved me, for they made me, moulded me and shaped me into who I am right now!
In a few months, I don't know if I could survive this ordeal in my life. Cancer is not the best thing that has happened to me let me tell you that.
Siguro this is the time that I become courageous, ayoko na kaseng maduwag. But if one of you guys ever meet my Larry, please be kind to him. Haha, he is a very lovable guy. Minsan Larry cries for no reason and pag tinanong ko kung bakit siya umiiyak, sinasabi lang niya "You're my only love do you know that?" Syempre, binabatukan ko siya kase napaka drama niya. Pero I can't help but feel so lonely that everyday is so hard for him and for us. Hindi niya alam kung baka bukas hindi na ako magising. Pero masaya ako kase Larry makes everyday a new day worth remembering. Sabi ko rin sa kanya pag nakaupo kame sa terrace, "Hoy Larry, ayusin mo buhay mo ah pag wala na ako. Mamaya mag inarte ka diyan. I don't like seeing you na walang love life. Okay! Mumultuhin talaga kita."
It's so painful for me to leave him behind pero if that is God's plan then I can't do anything about it diba. I just have to make my remaining months with him the best time of our lives. Yebah!
I wonder if I'd ever get to reach my age of 35 next January. I just hope that I do reach that age, it could be my last gift for Larry hope not.
Nung ginagawa ko tong short story ko, palagi niyang tinatanong bakit daw title ko Whenever, wherever, whatever... Napaka chismoso niya noh! Eto lang kase yun hay nako, whenever I remember Ram it reminds me of love lost. Wherever Adel is, I know he is with me. And whatever happens with me, Larry will always be the one who completed me.. Ang talino ko talaga! Apir!
Ay, I almost forgot all the while I have never mentioned my name in my story. Let me introduce myself as I have introduced myself to Adel years ago.
"Wait, I think I've met you somewhere. I just couldn't remember it. Ah sabi ko na nga ba, classmate kita sa Philippine Literature Class, 2nd term under Professor sa hindi ba? You're the one who admittedly said you were gay? Is that true by the way."
"I don't know if I'm gay. I still haven't met that guy whom I am to fall in love right. So technically, that makes me "not so gay". I'm Bryan by the way, and you are?"
"I'm Adel."
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