By: AJ Hi. It’s my first time to share my work in this site. This story is very special for me. I hope you will like it. Everything writ...
By: AJ
Hi. It’s my first time to share my work in this site. This story is very special for me. I hope you will like it. Everything written here is true. Maybe you’ll find it boring but it’s my inspiration. It’s not a story of pleasure..
He is walking in shopping center, who knows he will be caught by this stranger? Every steps he takes, the closer he gets, he got hypnotized. It’s like, he is out of his head or out of this world. His eyes stuck on him, but he sees unclear. His thought is bright yet everything is blur. He knew there is strange with this guy. He doesn’t know what? He tried to remember what he saw. He tried to picture his face, but it messed up.
He is afraid of second look; he doesn’t give a second look. Yet for him, he can’t control his head to turn back. Looking at him, just to memorize that guy’s face. He wants it to remember. Remember how angelic his face? How subtle his eyes? How pointy his nose? How reddish his lips? How perfect his face? How serious he looks like? He wants it all to remember.
Upon looking back, his feet continuously moving farther and farther, until he lost him in his sight.
“To go back or not to go?” The question left in his mind. He knows it is wrong. He knows it is not normal. But he can’t do nothing to reciprocate what he is feeling now. He knows it is insane. He knows.
With that, he kept his mind away from thinking that stranger. And walks like there is no other one living. As if he is completely alone.
That is his life. He is alone though there are several friends he has. He is alone though there is his family he loves. He is destined to be alone, by choice. He stands for it. He has a lot of things he is afraid of. Rejections. Judgement. Failures. Dishonesty. Or what so ever.
He is Andre. He is not that eye-catchy. He is just a simple guy, in his simple way. A college boy who doesn’t know himself. In his twenty years of existence, he kept on asking why everything he had has to be that way? He kept on asking, what his life is for? He kept on asking who and what he really is?
He wants no attention.
He doesn’t want to be friend with someone. He believes in parasitism. Which only one gets the benefits. He felt they we’re trying to be closed to him because they needed something on him. Yet he never refuses anyone came. He never avoids anyone. He is being a friend though he gets tired sometimes. Tired of chatting them. Tired of being with them. Tired of adapting. But he never complained and he never blame. All those adjustments are his choice.
Andre, is a broken-hearted man. In spite of being introvert, he took a risk on love. He courted Athena. It was started very tragic. He thought he already lost her. But he waited for a chance. A perfect time.
Then, it came. Everything turned into a fairytale. Hopes started to grow. That was the first time he got so happy. He wanted that feeling lasts.
Not knowing, world turned upside down. Rejections. A lot of rejections he gained from her. He got tired of it. He stayed away from her. Until he lost her again.
Moving on wasn’t that easy. Every day without the same happiness as before was too hard to beat. That made him more distant to people.
He used to hang out alone. Do some stuffs alone. That he never needed anyone else.
He found his healing by looking on somebody, somewhere, some time. Yes. He enjoyed watching anyone, different person, different story. His favorite place is the shopping mall.
Here he is again, walking around. He almost passed all the stores in less than an hour. Suddenly, he remembered that strange guy. He tried to look for him. When he gets there, he sees a man with the same shirt, but his not satisfy with what he is seeing. Like there is something not common with this guy.
“Is that him?” he is confused.
Part of him wants to believe it was the same guy he saw. Part of him wondering if that guy was just an imagination. He wasn’t that interested with the guy he saw a while ago. Unlike the first time he has been.
He kept on thinking that guy’s face, but he couldn’t remember it.
Until his friends ask him to go to the mall. As they arrived, upon mumbling around. Andre suddenly sees him again. And it makes him smile. He is true. He’s not an imagination. He is standing together with the other guy which Andre saw before.
“Is that a love?”
Why all of a sudden he will be happy as that?
A love at second look? No. Andre keeps on denying. He keeps on not falling. He is not prepared for another heart-beating, heart-pounding stuff.
Just to be happy, Andre keeping on going back there. He keeps on stealing a glimpse on him. That’s been part of his routine. It’s just everyday Andre looks at him, ensuring he will never ever be able to forget the guy’s face again.
He even tried to search that guy in all his social media accounts, but seems he needed a tons of patience just to find him there. Wanting to know his name makes too impossible for him. “Who are you?”
He has nothing to do but stands alone in his corner. Waiting for someone to appear, that makes him asked himself, “What I am doing?” And questioned himself, “Am I a fag?”
Yes. Who’s straight will spend most of his hours looking on a man? Is it normal to admire someone with the same sex? He knows it is wrong. He knows it needed to be stopped? But how? He is the only one that is making Andre happy?
In spite of this confusion, he let himself holds with the thought of that guy. He let him take a special part of his life. No matter how crazy it would be.
He never wants to lose that kind of happiness. That is why he keeps on taking a glance on that stranger. He knows how catastrophic this will be if he tried to get closer to him. So he continued doing it far from that guy. As far as possible.
Knowing they are too good to be true. Andre gave up on the so-called “us”. But knowing he is his happiness he never gives up on the so-called “him”.
Then he realizes, “How long it will be?” “How long it will take?” It bothers him a lot. How long?
He realizes, “What if I never see him again?” “What if I lost him in sight?” That makes it hard for him. What if?
Out of the blue, Andre built a courage to express what he feels for him. He made a letter telling how big changes that guy has been done to him. He never thought he’d be driven crazy. He is more like a stupid stalker. Or whatever.
He makes every words perfectly be used. Until he made the final draft. He finds a good stationery paper, and write there nice and vivid. All is set. He wakes up early. He is so bubbly and jolly. When he gets there. Andre stands on his corner and waited for him.
One hour of waiting, until it turns two, three, four and five… there is no more him. Andre loses his energy. He felt tired that he never felt before. He is so hopeless. What if? What if he never sees him again? That is the burden that crashing over his head.
What he is being afraid of, comes. He is gone? Is this the end? Is it all of this for? Another failure? Another pain? He wished, he’d never let himself be that happy with him. What makes it even more harder is that he’s a total stranger, and they were never have the so called “us”. Yet he is hurting. Why? Why he needed to fall in love? Fall in love with another guy. How funny it is? He was willing to be fag for him, but look what happened. Maybe he is not destined to be gay, but he tried once. And everybody will think he will always be.
Andre is still holding on. Holding on his thought. Hoping one day he’ll be there.
It is their examination day all his thoughts are flying on somewhere he doesn’t know. Is it right to be depressive? For him, he couldn’t blame himself. Taking a risk wasn’t his thing. But he still did. For his happiness.
He even disregarded all his requirements just because of his stupidity.
He is more broken-hearted compare on how he has been to Athena. He really misses him more and more as day is passing by.
Everything is unrequited. His love is one-sided. How coward is that? Pity on him.
It just one day he’s waken up on his nightmare. He still needed to live for his family. He fixed himself no matter how fragile he is.
He is on the counter ordering some foods, at one of the biggest fast-food chain here. He suddenly turns his back. Andre saw him again. He doesn’t know what to say. He is shocked. He doesn’t know how to react. He gets frozen. The guy moves to his side; he is holding his laugh. Andre doesn’t know if he was laughing at him.
As he gets his order. Andre moves fast as he can just to be away from him.
He took a glance over him. He is eating alone. You know how much Andre really wanted to join him. But he feels the butterflies on his stomach, it keeps making him weak. That he failed to move closer.
What a perfect chance that’s been wasted. Oh, screw himself!
But all that sadness he had lately, covers by this inevitable smile painting on his face. Thought he was really gone for good, but thanks for the chance there is. And suck his choice he made.
Does it really need to be like a ghost or something? Ignoring someone so much special to you? Missing every opportunities coming? And letting his feeling burns alone?
The letter which Andre wants to give, remains on his hand. All the urges he harvested the day when he tried to give it, gone. Waiting for the perfect timing. If it is in the will. Holy craft! Who knows what is in the will? Who knows when is the perfect timing?
Sigh!
Yet if you missed the chance you’ll be hurt. You will suffer the pain. And you will regret everything that passed on your way.
Why he is that so afraid of? Because it’s love of a man over a man? Because maybe he deserves someone better? Maybe they’re not for each other? And you will all left this in that “maybe’s”?
Yes. That’s what he did, and keep doing.
He stands there again. Waiting him. Just like the way he did before. Thought it is improving. Why? Because the guy is now also looking back at him.
There are times that they almost crossed the way. There are times that they are looking eye to eye and no one wants to break. What the! Is this the right time? Maybe he feels the same way? Funny!
That guy is not a fag. Maybe he is pissed off with you. He is wondering why you are staring at him every time. Don’t be that too assuming. Don’t be!
Whenever Andre looks at him, he couldn’t hide how happy he is inside. Hoping this would be forever. For him, it is enough loving him in afar. No break ups, no more pains. The hell. What do you think you’re doing? You’re putting yourself to a more painful situation. And no one is to blame but yourself, because again it is your choice. A stupid choice you always made.
He set his mind not to fall hard. This must be stopped.
Andre is still going there but he wants to ignore that guy. He wanted to let go of the so called “him” this time. He stands on different corner. All he wanted to do now is just a simple glimpse without being notice by him.
Until the guy ignores him also. Andre wants to think he is doing it because that he’s doing. Maybe that guy wants to do the same. Another pathetic idea. Another act of assuming.
It is really regretful for Andre to hold out from him. It is really regretful not to choose the other options. It is really regretful not giving himself a chance to be brave to stands on what he truly feels.
But Andre realizes it’ll be so hard to develop on someone who he doesn’t know what that guy really feels. To love someone who he doesn’t know if that guy notices him, if that guy seeing his existence. Andre doesn’t even know what’s on his mind. If Andre made him happy even just a little while. If he misses Andre every time he wasn’t seen him. If he thinks of Andre late at night, even for once. Or Andre really offended that guy whenever he is keeping his eyes on him. It is more like a puzzle to be solved and there is a missing piece. Sigh. Hey “guy”, do you know that he loves you? Ridiculous!
So he puts on his mind, “maybe it’s over”, “move on”. Whoa! Again, you and that guy were never been together, were never been one. Why move on? Simply because he loves him.
Though it is hard losing him, Andre once been there. He already bore the pain before, how much more this time?
For the second time, Andre wrote a letter of thanksgiving and goodbye. He wrote every single words he wanted to leave on that guy.
And for the last time he takes a glimpse on the guy, just a couple of minutes. Then he plans to give the letter. He doesn’t know the proper way of giving it. So he just left in the comfort room where he always saw him going after break. Leaving it there, makes a probability that fifty percent he might not get it. At least he tried to say goodbye.
He loves him secretly. And he will love him alone. Far from him. Away from him. Until he forgotten the face of that guy, but never the precious memories he made with him. With “that guy”, with that “stranger”.
Someday, somehow, he will be over him. He will be going to laugh at his insanity. He will be going to laugh his gaily.
This is not the end. This is another chapter to take. He may be gone now in Andre’s life, but not in his heart. They say, people come to be part of our life. And go to leave us a lesson. It may be the dawn for the two of them, but there will always be a sun will shine in their different lives.
Andre leaves his story open. Open for any possibilities. Leaves it in destiny.
Who knows what destiny is? Who knows when destiny comes?
We believe it is a will. It is all plan according to God’s words. How would we know? Go with the flow? My friends told me, “only dead fishes go with the flow.” We don’t know. Live your life.
We have a lot of chances coming for us. We have a lot of options to choose. Our destiny is by chance and by choice. God’s will is our questions and we are choosing the best answer.
COMMENTS