By:MD I retreated into a slumber. Hindi ko namalayan nakatulog na pala ako while Justine was driving us towards his place. He woke me up to ...
By:MD
I retreated into a slumber. Hindi ko namalayan nakatulog na pala ako while Justine was driving us towards his place. He woke me up to my annoyance. “Ano ba?!” Trying my hardest to open my eyes, nakita ko si Hustino grabbing me by my shoulder. “Hey buddy, it’s 1:30 already. Come on, get up, you big guy!” I tried my hardest to open my eyes and nakita ko si Hustino nakangiti, sabay sabi, “I haven’t seen you this wasted.” I grinned at him and I shove his generous arms and stood the quickest I could like a sober man. “Who says I’m drunk like a mad man?”
“Ako.” Just when I heard him utter the word, I lost my stance. Thankfully he held me by the chest. The rest was hazy, all I could remember was that we started stepping towards the elevator. And that was it. I knew I had slept like a log after.
7 AM. Nagising ako and I found out I only had my boxers on. Nasa tabi ko si Mister Universe. Humihilik. I found it not disturbing at all. I even found it interesting. Because I wanted to bask on this angelic sight before me, tinext ko agad ang landlady ng aking lilipatan.
Good morning. Si Drigo eto yong lilipat sana ngayon. Mamaya na lang po hapon ako maglilipat. Salamat.
And I hit send.
Hindi ko din namalayan nakasampung minuto din pala akong tinitingnan si Hustino. It was a loving look and thankfully I kept my desire down. It would be unfair for Justine. I did not want to wake him so I took the liberty to prepare us some good morning breakfast. This time I wanted to surprise him with my own breakfast menu. So I tiptoed on my boxers the whole time I did. I opened the fridge and made use of what’s there. Malamang mag gogrocery pa si Hustino. There weren’t enough to choose from.
Forty-five minutes passed. Naprep ko na ang ipang-aalmusal namin ni bossing. As I was about to go towards the bedroom para gisingin si Hustino, biglang bumukas ang door. Voila! Kaiba talaga etong si Hustino. Right there before me was himself on his boxer shorts, his woody denting big time.
I didn’t want to be awkward and I guess naalimpungatan lang din siya and besides it’s a normal thing for guys to get one especially when the urge to pee is real.
“Hey, the honcho’s up. You might as well pee, brother. Your guy down there is so angry.”
Napatawa siya.
“Sorry, man. This happens a lot now every morning.” Umalis ang loko at nagpunta sa CR. While waiting for him, I took a look on what I prepared. Ok na kaya to? Napaisip ako. I felt like I had to impress the guy.
When Justine showed up, he was all smiles, from the table towards me and towards the table.
“Well, my kabayan, let’s have some Filipino breakfast. Pinagluto ko siya ng fried rice with pork strips and minced garlic and sliced hotdogs, ampalaya with scrambled egg, tortang talong and kamote tops salad. Para siyang bata na aliw na aliw sa mga foods.
“Drigo, I remember this.” Tinuro niya ang ampalaya with scrambled egg. “My mom frequently cooks this for breakfast.”
Yey! May pogi points na ako. I loved the feeling of making somebody, especially him, remember something or someone special. Because I was already starving, hindi ko na kinaya at ako na ang unang nagsandok sabay sabing, Thank you Lord.
As usual, ang makisig na Hustino nag Milo. Nakakatuwa. I kept teasing him with it and I even grabbed his mug and drank the other half of it. Para siyang ninakawan na hindi alam ano gagawin. Hindi siya nakatiis at nagtimpla ulit ng panibago.
“Well, now I know why the tagline reads, Milo Everyday.” Tuwang-tuwa ang loko. I just had a very good meal and it was made more special. That moment I felt exploring the mystery in me, breaking the barrier.
Natapos ang hagalpakan sa almusal. Nagpresenta na si Hustino na siya magdishwash. I let him. While I was cleaning the mess on the table, I caught a glimpse of him doing the dishes. Ang cute niya tingnan. Malaking mama, six footer, naka boxers, makisig, seryosong naghuhugas ng plato.
Napansin niya pala ako nakasmile.
“Hey, what’s the smile for?”
“Nothing. You look funny when you’re serious.” Funny is not the word. I was downplaying it. Adorable. Amazing. Hot perhaps. Yes, hot. Haha.
Natapos ang scene na yon and we prepped for the move, my move. While we were getting ready, Justine just gabbed. “Yeah I was about to ask you Drigo. There’s this Filipino song I really like listening to. I couldn’t make of what the lyrics meant but I sure do love the melody.”
“What lines do you remember?”
“Tu…loy pa ren ang ah wit ng buhey koww….”
Natawa ako. Kasi naman pag siya na nagtatagalog, trying hard talaga.
I searched the song on You tube and played it for him, for us. He was singing along with the chorus. Nadala ako, sinabayan ko siya. When the music faded, he was quick to ask what it meant.
“It’s a sad song. Yes, sadly,” tugon ko.
“Are you kidding me?” Usisa niya. “I feel its melody is hopeful and something that’s full of glee.”
“Well, take heed. I speak the language,” pang-aannoy ko.
“Okay, Mister Taylor.” Haha. Pinaalala na naman niya ang fave niyang prof. Deep inside, I was wallowing with uncertainty. I had just broken up with possibly the second-best woman in the world next to mom. I felt I was bathing in anger and disgust about what I did with Mariz. She didn’t deserve to be treated the way I did to her. It was a new turf this time. I wasn’t the one left behind, ako ngayon ang nang-iwan.
Then Justine put me back to reality. “Hey, Drigo! You’ve been stoic for a few minutes.”
I sighed and turned my back on him towards the fridge. I wanted to cry. I was holding my emotions within and it reached the boiling point already.
“I know how you feel, man. You’re not telling me but I know how you feel right now between you and Mariz. Would you mind telling me what caused the rift?”
I tried my best to compose my collapsing façade but it all came tumbling down. I just sat and wept. It’s as if the canister of sadness just got open and all I needed to do at the instance was to feel them.
Hindi na nagtanong pa si Hustino. He came towards me and sat by my side. There were no words uttered. There was no need. I just needed someone’s presence and be heard and be understood. But I guess this understanding from him had to come with a price.
“Here. Drink some water. It will calm you,” pagsusumamo niya. “You know what, you’re the only buddy I got in my lifetime who cried in front of me, no holds-barred. I meant it’s good because I couldn’t do it really. I liked that you did this for yourself. It’s liberating. It’s going to help you for sure.”
I didn’t say a word. I wanted to stabilize my emotions. I could have shot back at him na it’s my first time to cry like a baby in front of a man, a grown man, a man I have come to grow feelings for. As difficult as it was, I did not give Justine a hint. I wanted to be discreet. I wanted to understand the emotions. Sometimes I wanted to just die with them and be done with what the future will hold for us, for me.
Natuloy ako sa flat. I got one spacious room, thanks to the accommodation benefit ng company. Naka almost a year na din ako sa company and it’s time to go plan for a vacation.
“When are you going for vacation, Drigo? You already qualify to use the benefit.”
“I wanted to ask you the same thing since you have been so giddy about paying your family a visit in Cebu,” pang-eenganyo ko. I haven’t really thought much about going home yet. Nag –eenjoy pa ako and besides Justine had been really like a family. Andyan naman din yong Skype and I always made sure I talked with my family every day.
“I guess I’m going this year. Pop has not been feeling well. So I better should see my old man. What do you think?”
“How many days are you going to be away?”
At nag-ring na naman ulit ang phone niya. As usual, mga cliente tumatawag. Bumalik na lang din ako sa mga paperworks ko. Gladly, nadagdagan kami ng isang tao sa department. Isang customer service coordinator. Pasalamat ako kung saka-sakali hindi ako makapagplano din ng bakasyon kung walang maiiwan sa department. Si Srini, isang Indiano. Hindi siya yong typical na Indian, nakapag-aral din kasi siya sa Dubai and most of his growing up years were spent sa Dubai na. Kung susumahin, Arabic na ang upbringing niya.
Our working relations in the office was like family. It was a brotherhood, forged from different upbringing yet one towards the same direction. Si Hustino was a mentor to me, hindi ko siya nakitaan na nag snap because of work pressures. He would always tell me that things will pass and we have to always give ourselves the congratulations we deserve no matter, whether we close a deal or not. Ang importante is nag-effort ka. Yan palagi ang dinidikdik ng mokong sa utak ko kasi iba din ang personality ko during the first few months of working with him. He had been a witness to my weakness. I sulked big time pag hindi ko nakukuha ang deal.
But in time I learned his ways at ang kaibigan naming si Srini naging ganon na rin ang work attitude. Siguro kung susumahin, ours was like a dream team. It became such primarily because andyan si Hustino. Si Mister Universe.
While having much indulgence with work, hindi ko namamalayan mag-iisang taon na pala akong walang girlfriend, walang one heart. Crazy how things turned out. Si Mariz got engaged on the 10th month na iniwan ko siya and even though I was the one who turned my back on her, she gladly told me everything over the phone. I sensed happiness in her voice when she told me what happened after us.
“O ano, Drigo, I’ll be inviting you sa kasal ko soon.”
“Sure. I wish you all the best Mariz. You know I do. You’ll make a great wife and possibly a great mom too.” While I was telling her this, I felt a pang of regret. Sayang! I could have been that man, however, when I think about Justine and how he made me differently happy inside, I guess it was all for the best.
When Sandy and Justine broke up, I thought about seducing the guy but in all aspects, the guy unintentionally seduced me all throughout. He’s a good man, and for me to shroud him with these strange feelings, hindi ko kaya. Our friendship was golden and to put some confusing part to it would be sin.
One time while I was busy finishing up the day’s work, nakita ko si Justine from my office. He was smiling while talking over the phone. It was a strange smile. Sino kaya kausap niya? It lasted for fifteen minutes. I tried not counting but I couldn’t help. Sino kaya yon?
Then I saw him got up from his swivel chair and went straight towards my office.
“Hey, brother! I am going on a date tonight!,” masayang wika ni Hustino.
Nag-stop in a bit ang mundo ko. I felt betrayed and rejected by somebody who could not possibly like me because I happened to be like him. It was the most awkward, difficult feeling ever to conceal.
“Who’s the lucky girl?” I sighed after crafting my so-scripted interested facial expression.
“No, Drigo. I am the lucky one. I have been trying so many times to make an impression to this girl, and hear me, she’s half Filipina, your kabayan, our kabayan!”
Tinuloy ni Hustino ang pagkwento kung saan sila nagkakilala before and how their paths crossed after months ng break up nila ni Sandy. The rest was a hodge-podge of this and that and I let all the other info go down the drain. Ang highlight: magkakagirlfriend na si Mister Universe. Paano ako?!
“That’s good to know, Justine. She’s a keeper.” Binalik ko ang phone niya and when I looked at him, he was still gazing at the picture of the girl.
Leslie. Nice name. Maganda siya. She’s an HR Generalist of an industrial company.
The first month na inintroduce ni Hustino ang dating nila ni Leslie, sinubsob ko ang sarili ko sa trabaho. I took the liberty to be on the field and mga dalawang oras lang ako nag-iistay sa office. The first two weeks hindi napapansin ni Hustino pero kalaunan, he got the hint. He phoned me.
“Drigo, what have you been doing? Are you abandoning us, Srini and I?” Narinig ko ang boses ni Srini in the background asking how I am.
“I’m here waiting for the client. This is the third one I am going to meet today. The first two for sure would give us business.”
“I didn’t call to ask about business. I called to ask about you.”
I feigned the hurt and pushed my strong voice telling him I was ok and I was just performing my role.
“I understand Drigo but I want to see you. There’s a lot to talk about. Are you coming here after your last client meeting?”
Gusto ko man humindi pero boss ko ang tumatawag. It would be unethical to be subversive kaya nag yes na ako. Sadly I had to listen to his love story with Leslie and he even went to the point of telling it to my face na may nangyari na sa kanila and it felt magical sabi niya.
“Leslie’s just lovingly gorgeous, bro. God, I couldn’t get her off my head. What we did last night was amazing.”
It was overboard but from Justine’s perspective, it was himself sharing a snippet of a great life event to a friend, who happened to be ME, Drigo. Parang dinurog ang puso ko na hindi ko maintindihan. It was more difficult in person kasi feel ko he was expecting more wonderful reaction from me, his best friend, confidante, his colleague, his so-called long-lost brother.
“Lucky you! No more cold lonely nights I should say.” Natawa si Hustino at nag nod. I didn’t want to listen to more info regarding their relationship status. I wanted to divert his attention and so I spoke about business and how his meeting some clients would influence their decision.
I didn’t really want to do it solely for the organization. I wanted some of his time with me. Gusto ko akuin ang mga oras na noon ay para sa akin. I wanted to compete. Gusto kong maramdaman ni Hustino na mahalaga ako sa kanya.
And so it happened. Balik kami sa dati naming gawi. There was one slack time and so he told me magpahinga na muna kami sa place niya. I was overjoyed, matagal na din kasi akong hindi nakakapunta sa pad niya. At last, masosolo ko ang manlove ko.
It was 1:00 PM nung nakarating kami sa pad niya. Same old same, nagbihis para makapagpahinga. Si Hustino nakatulog agad. Hindi ako nakaidlip agad so nagsurvey ako sa bahay niya. Pumanhik ako sa sala and I sat there, thinking about how weird I had become. Ayoko maging gay. Although I am accepting towards gays pero sarili ko hindi ako komportable. People see me as Drigo, the Mister World. Pero pagdating kay Justine, I felt like a teen so enchanted with an adorable adult figure.
I was about to lay down when I felt something beneath the little pillow. May cellphone. Kanino kaya to? This was not the one that Justine used for client calls. Siguro personal phone niya.
Just when I held it, may nagtext.
You’re such a great lover. I love how your big tool feel inside me last night. I love you my big baby boy!=)
Para akong binuhusan ng asido sa mukha. Nagalit ako pero kanino ako magagalit? May karapatan ba akong magalit???
When I tried opening the phone, it was passwordless so right then and there naghahalong kaba at galit ang aking nadama. I looked at his albums and wow, mga pictures nila ni Leslie. A few pics nasa bed sila. And when I searched his videos, nakita ko ang nangyari kagabi. They were experimenting as most lovers were. Gamit yong video, nirecord nila dalawa ang lovemaking nila. Thirty minutes yon.
Justine in all his nakedness andon. Nakita ko ang malaki niyang sawa. The girl loved it so much there was even a few minutes na siya ang nag drive. First time ko din narinig ang ungol at verbalizations ni Mister Universe.
“Babe, fuck that big cock. Yes that’s it. Ahhhh. Good girl.” Hayop sa hotness. I didn’t feel disgusted. What I felt majorly was that I felt sorry for myself.
In the midst of these confusing sad feeling, lumalabas ang carnal part of me. I liked the scene where Justine kissed the girl so bad while he was pounding his big tool into her for more than ten minutes. Nakakaturn-on and yet at the same time it was saddening. It made me grew jealous.
Hininto ko ang pagtingin sa phone and right there binura ko ang videong yon. Ayoko maiskandalo si Hustino. May pagka careless din kasi siya. Baka maiwan niya kung saan ang personal phone niya na walang password, eh pagpiyestahan yong video.
I took a view for two minutes sa video na aking idedelete. Si Hustino ang tinitingnan ko nang maigi. Virile and very adorable in bed. Siya na ang gifted. I deleted it and when I decided to put it back sa sofa, nakita ko si Hustino.
Goodness! Matagal na kaya siya sa kinatatayuan niya? Nag blackout saglit ang paningin ko. Feeling ko nakita talaga niya ang pagsauli ko ng phone niya don sa may pillow. When I looked at him, half naked siya and naka boxer shorts lang. Nag-init buo kong katawan and I decided to go to the kitchen past him. Wala akong imik. I just went straight to the fridge and got a tall glass of water.
I gulped it like there was no tomorrow. Nung marinig ko ang mga yapak ni Justine, hindi ko na alam pano umakto. Na iimagine ko ang nakita ko sa video.
“What did you see on my phone?” Hindi naman galit ang pagtatanong niya. It was brotherly. Nakita talaga niya na I was tinkering his phone. Hindi ko talaga namalayan.
“I saw the video.” I didn’t gaze at him while making the reply.
“Well, she’s a keeper, right?” Ang mokong nagawa pang sumagot with sarcasm.
“Would it be a sin if I say yes!?” Pinili kong makipagbiruan. Tumawa siya, gave a sigh and was just conversing with me naturally.
“Now you know me inside out, Drigo. My life’s highlights. Funny, you’ve seen my love muscle as well.” Tumawa siya and I joined in. “I’m glad you deleted the video. It was so recent I forgot it’s there.”
“Next time I’ll remind you to.” Kumuha siya ng inumin and he was there half-naked in front of me with the fabric of his boxers seemingly tracing his huge meat.
Despite the unrequited romantic feelings, I stayed true to my own. Hindi ako nag-girlfriend ulit. Ang gusto ko lang while with the company, makita si Hustino, makausap siya, maging malapit na malapit sa kanya. Minsan nga naiisip ko lasingin ko na lang kaya si Justine so I could make advances towards him pero hindi eh, iba, ayoko. It’s such a low blow. I deserve a better, proper treatment from him. Wishful thinking, yes. But who would want to get something that’s not freely given? I didn’t want force to be in anyway relevant to what I want. Gusto ko kusa akong mahalin ni Hustino pero with what’s happening, that chance was close to nil.
Pero ika nga, love conquers all. Totoo din naman. Love transcends gender and everything we think are unconquerable. Thank goodness for Justine. Had I not known him, I would have stayed reclusive to the idea of a normal love story.
I thought nung naging sila ni Leslie, he would become the happiest dude in the world pero mali pala ako. Nakita kong he deliberately went strangely serious with her yet Leslie wasn’t ready. Kinwento kasi ni Justine sa akin na she’s given him the impression na she isn’t ready for commitment. I didn’t want to get in the way but because I was his friend, I gave my thoughts on the matter.
Si Leslie 23 years old lang. I told him that’s way too young to be in a serious relationship and etong si Hustino nakikitaan ko na gusto na mag settle down. Leslie was the breadwinner of the family. Although half yong blood lineage niya, yong family niya hailed from Pinas. So I knew the aloofness towards commitment.
“I love her. I don’t understand Drigo but one time, I was talking to her about the future, about our future but her responses were always playful. She brushes off those type of conversations.”
I understood Leslie’s plight. Albeit the dream man image of Hustino, pag wala ka sa priorities, wala talaga.
“Give her time. She’s young and she’s carrying responsibilities.” Dinepensahan ko si Leslie. I haven’t met her yet when I told him this pero I knew ganon talaga ang usual na reason ng mga Kabayan who opted to work from afar.
“I will take heed.” Ang loko puro may halong joke ang reply. But I liked it even more from him. Justine saw the positives in every situation.
Isang beses, Justine invited me for dinner. I felt ecstatic when he asked me that we go out for dinner. Pero the caveat pala was he would like me, his best friend, to meet his girlfriend who happened to be a talking Filipina. In short, alam niyang magtagalog despite the mix in her. Kinabahan ako sa offer.
“When will this be?” pag-uusisa ko.
“Thursday night after work. We’ll have dinner. She said she will meet us there. Could you tell me a good place for us to have a great dinner, a place where we could talk more and eat less?”
Gusto talaga magpa-impress ni Mister Universe. Hehe sa isip-isip ko, gagawin lang ba nila akong chaperone doon?
“So what am I gonna do there?” Haha. I was definitely thinking out loud.
“You are my best friend, the closest I have, my family here. You will be meeting your future wife’s best friend as well.” Sumeryoso si Hustino.
Nasupalpal ako bigla. Sa loob-loob ko, kung hindi lang kita mahal Hustino hinding-hindi ko eto gagawin. When I went home that night, I was all jaded. In all aspects. I felt powerless yet comforted by his presence. I felt deceived yet justified by the strangeness of this bromance I was nurturing all this time. Still I felt blessed. I was hurt but there was no way I could incriminate the guy. He was just being himself. He was just being my Hustino, my good-looking sandcastle in the air.
I didn’t sleep easily that night. Counting sheep lost its fun. I stood, got some food in the fridge and sat, ALONE. I was nibbling some junk goodies while his images were flicking through my mind. Yong smile niya, yong mga jokes niya, yong postura niya, the smartness in him, his ghetto dance moves…lahat… all in him was perfect. He was my dream man that I never knew existed.
The words echoed. “I am excited that you’re going to meet Leslie finally, bro.”
Ang sakit non. Dagdag pa na I haven’t really dealt head-on with my sexual orientation. This was first, and it was a difficult road to tread on. I was trying so hard to desist these dark emotions I so labeled, before finally coming into acceptance that I was different.
What should I do tomorrow? How do I meet her? How would I make myself look engaging before them? The hows of tomorrow night plagued me big time.
I needed release or I could definitely just blow in pieces, and there would be no meet-the-girlfriend-of-your-dream-man night. With my darned effort to sleep, I took a pen and a clean sheet, and I began to write something. And it definitely bled.
Timid sun. Hopeful moon.
Night and day.
High and Low.
Left and Right.
You and Me.
A new discovery.
A scary path.
Self-love. Self-hate.
Acceptance.
Me. Myself. I.
Time and its reasons.
Going. Flowing.
Surprises. Beaming.
Surprises. Losing.
Patience.
A string of excited words.
A canister of omen.
Crushed emotions.
Thrown under a bus.
Bleeding. Dying, almost.
Persistence. Onwards.
The sun is high.
The moon is low.
Tomorrow’s apple of the eye.
You and her.
Fighting. Losing?
This path so complex
Yet so carefree
This and the waiting
YOU and me. And HER.
I sniffled. I let myself. It was painful and scary and there was nobody to talk to. Then I realized I had enclosed myself painfully too much on Justine and work. I needed to meet new people. I needed to reconnect with old friends and spur a life of newness. I needed change.
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