By: James Hi! Im james, 28 nako... nagsulat ako at ewan ko ang mangyayare saken kung gagaan ba ang pakiramdam ko kung makakuha ako ng opi...
By: James
Hi! Im james, 28 nako... nagsulat ako at ewan ko ang mangyayare saken kung gagaan ba ang pakiramdam ko kung makakuha ako ng opinion ng iba pero sabi nila once mailabas mo ang nararamdaman mo eh makakagaang daw yon sa pakiramdam, have a comments below, ill read it and make some reply if possible.
im a nerdy, but not the typical type na nakikita sa tv na payat, nakasalamin, takot sa tao, mukang ilang linggo nang hindi naliligo or anything like that. I take a shower everyday, may salamin pero di nagsusuot(pag inaatake lang ako ng astigmatism saka ako nagsusuot ng salamin lol), i have many circle of friends and yup, im slim(i prefer twink kesa slim xD). im a cold hearted person. i forgot how to love because i lost one(my first love, 5yrs of relationship) with my girl whom i love so much. then nag 2time, and the worst part? sa ka-choir namin, hahaha! i endure all the pain everytime i see them in practices, in performances. That's how i became cold-hearted human being. I forgot to know how to feel. dahil sa mga pangyayare na yon at subsob sa pag-aaral kaya madali ako nakalimot, At the same time nawala ang emosyon ko. Yup! I still love my friends, my parents, my relatives. Pero ung mag mahal na higit pa sa lahat, ung pagmamahal na sunod sa ating maykapal eh nawala na. I shut my heart, at the same time I develop an uneasy attitude to others. naging suplado ako, sarcastic, maangas, never let anyone go down my guard. But I have 2 attempts that I have another intimate contact with my ex. Btw her name is Sheila ann(not her real name). Totoo pala talaga yung kasabihang "1st love never dies" pero sa kwento ko, may mas totoo pa jan, "True love never die easily"
I attempt to win Shiela ann again, but never happened. The first one is when im in college. Mga kaibigan namin nabalitaan to agad. They contacted me telling me that there is already someone. Of course defense mechanism is to know it thru her or see it from your very eyes. And yes, I had it both and it stab my heart deeply. the another time is when she suddenly chat me. At nung time na yon kame nagkaroon ng closure. that was 3yrs after our first breakup. Dun na nagsara ng tuluyan ang emosyon ko.
After i graduated in college naging college professor ako sa isang school somewhere in QC. with my kind of attitude, and not letting anyone read my actions and my mind, how can i handle the students and also my coleagues right? So i become a tough teacher, the strict type. Yeah i keep the atmosphere cool and comfy but I stand firm in every actions and decision and deadlines, tough love kung sabihin ng iba. Sa dami ng nakakasalamuha ko, madami ding nag attempt to win my heart. With a very good phsycologist/guidance councelor as your friend, reading minds and reading body language is not hard at all. tinuruan nya ako pano magbasa ng ugali sa isang tingin at salita pa lang. Sya din ang kaisa isang nakaalam ng kung ano ako, ano nangyare at kung bakit ako nagkaganito.
Sya din nakaalam na nag-e-evolve ako into something pero ako hindi ko pa yon alam sa sarili ko. Pag teacher ka kailangan mo maging prim and proper. tanggap ko hindi ako gwapo at payatot pero may mga tao palang okey lang kahit anong itsura mo eh ok lang basta cool ka kasama. After the first sem as teacher, normal na may mag thank you sayo coz they learn a lot or the bonding inside the classroom. That's the happiest thing about being a teacher, changing peoples lives positively. Pero to take the conversation from another level is really different thing. And berto is almost let my guard down. He's a graduating student and he almost failed in my class. Normal na may mga manghihingi ng mga another projects or remedials so I did. he pass the final's retake. even me I am so happy kasi tinulungan din xa ng mga cmates nya. He thank me for giving him 2nd chance. masaya sa feeling, pero bakit parang iba ung pakiramdam ko?
After the break nag start na ang final sem nila. He became again one of my students sa isa sa mga major subjects nya. It grew from a typical student-teacher to a friend. Then one day there is an event at school at pinagkaisahan xa ng lahat ng classmate nya na isali xa sa isang pageant. ayaw nya, never pa daw xa nakasali sa mga ganun pero sabi ko "wala ka pang nagagawang project sabi ng mga cmates mo kaka dota mo at pasahan na sa friday. I will give you another week and lahat ng cmates mo if makasali ka at makasama ka sa top 16". top 16 lang kasi ang kukuhain for the main event. Everyone on that class give an effort dahil madami pa pala hindi nakakagawa ng project sknla(haha). To cut the story short, he manages to go to the main event. Lumapit xa sakin, asking for help. Damit, pano mag lakad, pano mag ayos, if possible daw yung pampunta sa practices. Well, that's the first time na isang student ko eh sasali sa ganon so sabi ko sige, hingi din tayo support sa cmates mo. Mga kaklase nya ang naghanap at gumawa ng costumes nya, I let him also borrow my very own barong para sa isang category. The pageant ends, hindi xa nakapasok sa top 5, but our friendship and also with the section last more than what happened, and him even closer to me.
Its almost graduation when they ask me kung gusto ko daw ba sumama sa bday ng cmate nla at un nadin daw ang gagawin nilang grad party. They all pass their academics and all candidate for graduation. I say yes dahil isa to sa mga milestone nila. I dunno what happened pero naging sarcastic c berto saken nung time na yon. Nung time na nakainom na ang lahat at ang iba nagtatanggihan na sa tagay, sabi nla ako na daw magpa tagay para walang umangal. Nung ibibigay ko na ang tagay kay berto, ayaw na daw nya. sabi ko sakanya na pag hindi nya kinuha ang tagay ko eh hindi ako magpapakita sa graduation nila. Sa sama ng tingin ng lahat sakanya at sa sinabi ko, napilitan xa. But the next thing is unexpected. Nung turn na ulit nya, sinabi nya na uuwi na lang daw xa kesa uminom pa ulit. Before he jump off the area I told him "okey di na kita tatagayan mag stay ka lang, ok na ba?" "opo sir sige po." Hindi na xa umalis. After another round umalis ako. ang sinabi ko lang cr lang ako pero rekta lumabas ako ng bahay at dali-daling pumara ng jeep. after a day nag txt ako sakanya, na ayoko na xa maging kaibigan at salamat sa kagaspangan ng ugali nya. he txt, he call, kaso sa sobrang kakulit nya eh blinock ko number nya sa phone ko. Grad day came and I'm there, suot ko yung barong na pinahiram ko sakanya kasi yun ang pinaka ok na design suit for the occasion. nasa stage na at bigayan na ng diploma, he hugged me insted of getting my handshake. then he left. Lesson learned: to be too close to a student.
its been yrs na naging teacher ako and wla na dumikit pa saken like what berto did to me. more of friendship na lang with other students. after some time i decided to go on another career. napunta ako sa isang opisina. new environment. Hindi na ako ang boss sa isang lugar like nung teacher pako na pag nasa classroom ako, ako ang masusunod. That time nagumpisa nako mag explore about my sexuality. I am shocked how vast LGBT community is. I joined some FB groups, fan page, joined a clan. then i see a not so attractive guy na hindi ko alam bat parang napatitig ako sakanya. His name is Johnny(not real name). I add him and chat him. "Hi!" then after almost half day nag reply xa. chat... chat... chat... then i ask him na pwd ba kame magkita. sabi nya sa dayoff daw nya. That day came, offline xa. I waited until almost midnight, walang paramdam. after that day nagtxt ako sknya, sabi nya patay daw phone nya at may pinuntahan daw cla ng kaibigan nya. ok. another week and another setup, and another injan story. I already told him my feelings na mejo nagkaka gusto nako sakanya. kaso wala lang sakanya eh... hhahahah
another week came, but now i didnt arrange any meetup. nag chat lang ako sakanya "enjoy your dayoff" "thank you. Ikaw din enjoy your day" after that hindi nako nagparamdam sakanya. sabi ko sa sarili ko hindi pa siguro sapat ang 6yrs mula ng hiling relationship ko. nag arrange ng house party ang isa sa ka clan ko. ok! need to unwind. sumama ako. 10pm calltime pero nagsabi ako na 11 or 12 nako dadating. when i meet them may nagtxt "may gimik ka ngayon? sama moko wala ako magawa yung isa kong kasama hindi nag dayoff, ako na lang daw umalis kung gusto ko." Mejo natatabangan nako sakanya kaya nagbigay na lang ako instructions pano pmnta sa kung nasan ako and nagsabi ako ng oras na pwd xa sunduin. Nagsabi din ako na may bibitbitin akong kaibigan s mga ka-clan ko at ok lang naman daw. after an hour nagtxt xa na andun nadaw xa sa meeting place. im quite shock kasi 2x nyako ininjan then biglang boom! makikipag meet xa. Awkward ang feeling pagdating ko ulit don sa venue dahil una, 1st party or meetup ko with bi's/gays at hindi ko alam pano makipag-interact really that time. 2nd is 1st meetup namin n Johnny pero cnbi ko matagal na kame magkaibigan. I just loosen up when we get back. nakipag biruan kahit hindi nakakatawa ang joke. sumali sa mga party games nila. then nung mejo nakainom na ang lahat nagyaya sila na mag truth or dare. Ang rules, kung sinu matapatan ng nguso ng bote, sya tatanungin, kung sino ung nsa opposite, sya ang magtatanong at kung nakapag truth kana at natapat sayo ulit, kelangan dare naman ang gagawin. full of revelation on that game then nung natapat kay Johnny ang bote(nakapag truth na xa) ang binigay na dare sakanya is "halikan mo sa lips in 3seconds c James." Hindi ko alam pero nung papalapit na xa eh napa pikit ako. I really enjoy it. umuwi kaming puro tawanan kinaumagahan. pag gising ko mula nung nakauwi kame me txt ako nareceive sakanya "na enjoy ko yung kiss naten, parang gusto kong maulit. haha"
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