By: Gormel Jake Kahit anong gawin ko, I know I don’t have a choice. “Jake alam mo namang ayoko din gawin to, but I don’t want you to...
By: Gormel
Jake
Kahit anong gawin ko, I know I don’t have a choice.
“Jake alam mo namang ayoko din gawin to, but I don’t want you to suffer, you have your school, hindi kita maalagaan ng maayos”
My mom was trying her best na pagaanin ang loob ko, habang tinutulungan akong mag impake ng mga gamit.
Mom was diagnosed with Leukemia 3 months ago and it’s starting to get worse, the signs were already visible sa mukha nya. I stayed quiet though it breaks my heart na hindi ko sya kayang tulungan sa sakit nya, and I feel helpless and useless 12 year old kid.
We’ve been alone for four years na, nang malaman ni Mom that Dad was having an affair and what’s worse, is that they’ve been seeing each other since a year I was born at nagkaroon din sila ng anak.
When mom knew of his infidelity and the length of time na niloko sya nito. She decided to end it. She never asked me to hate my dad for what he’s done, she always tells me na mahal na mahal ako ni daddy, and kahit na she, and Anton, my dad’s name, lived a life of lies, my dad’s love for me is genuine, but I can see the hurt sa mga mata niya, and everytime na she’s alone sa room, I can hear her muffled cries.
That’s when I decided to never talk with my dad again, he tried na sunduin ako sa school or call me, pleading me to talk to him, everytime,
I refused, I think he realized that loosing me was one of the consequences of his actions, so after a year, nag give up na sya and we never saw or hear from each other again.
Mom and me, we’ll go on with life together and I swear na poprotektahan ko si mom sa lahat ng mananakit sa kanya, and from that day on, I learned to be independent.
Natapos nang mailagay ang mga damit ko sa maleta ng maramdaman ko ang pagpatak ng mga luhang kanina ko pa pinipigil, “this is really it”, I thought, napatingin si mommy sa akin at mabilis na lumapit at niyakap ako,
“Anak, Jake, wag kana umiyak ha, you can visit mommy naman anytime eh” ang sabi nya sa’kin habang humihikbi,
“ Ma, so..sorry, I ca…can’t help you..wwith tthiss., ssoorry” and I hugged her tight, and she pats my head “shh, shhh, it’s alright baby” she holds my shoulder at made me look in her eyes.
“Look at you, you’re already a man na, always remember that mommy loves you very very much, more than anything in this world ha, magpapakabait ka lagi, sundin mo si Daddy and always be respectful and kind ha?” I nodded my head yes, still crying, we cried for a while that night, and I think nakatulog nalang ako kakaiyak, because the next thing I know, umaga na.
I woke up na magang maga ang mata, bumangon ako para bumaba, when I saw my things na nasa maleta, I feel like crying again, but no, I decided today that I’m going to be a man just like what mom told me, I have to be strong.
I went downstairs and saw mom was having a coffee, when she saw me, she smiled “ Jake come here,say hi to your dad.” That’s when I noticed na she’s not alone pala. Dad turns his head on me, I stared at his familiar eyes, he beamed and dali daling lumapit sakin and hugged me tightly, He’s a big man, I stand just below his chest.
When our hug breaks tiningnan nya ko then say “ Wow, long time no see Jakey, ang laki mo na ha” at ginulo ang buhok ko. I looked away from him “ahh, hi po” my only reply, lumapit din si mommy and asked me to have my breakfast na and to take my shower and prepare my things, cause, Dad and her, have some things to discuss pa.
I did everything she asked me, my dad helped me na ibaba ang mga gamit, we went up to my room, he saw my awards and medals na nakasabit and display, “wow champion sa singing contest and best in science, ang galing talaga ng anak ko” my dad says.
I stayed quiet, get my bags and take it to the car, once everything’s all accounted for, bumalik ako kay mommy and hugged her tight, I wanted to cry, but I hold it in, mom looked at me and patted my hair “tandaan mo yung mga sinabi ko sayo ha, be a good little man” then she kissed my head. I entered the car, while si dad and mom naman ang nag usap for a while.
“Ready?” dad asked me when he entered the car, I just nodded my head, tumingin sa window and waved kay mom, she’s now crying and wiping her tears, Dad started the engine and drive, all I can do is look at her sa side mirror and whisper “love you mom”.
Papunta kami ng Sta. Rosa, Laguna, where he and his new family resides.
What I’ve known so far is that, Dad, being a Civil Engineer, built a construction firm, contracting several government projects, whereas Tita Trisha, my dad’s new wife was his highschool sweetheart, she’s working as a surgeon sa isang hospital sa Laguna, and their son is a 10 year old kid named Kyle.
I don’t have any idea how to live in the same house kasama ang mga taong pinaka kinamumuhian ko sa buong mundo, and I’m so anxious, that I’ll be alone sa lugar na bago, lugar na hindi ko alam, walang kaibigan, walang kakilala, feels like I’ll be entering a wormhole of nothingness.
I stayed silent sa sasasakyan, and just gave dad one word answers sa mga tanong nya, and after a while, na gets nya siguro na I don’t want to talk about anything, he stopped and we drove in silence. The plan was, Dad will be taking care of me while si mom ay magpapaconfine sa hospital para mag pa chemo, and undergo cancer treatments. My tita, her sister, being a doctor also sa hospital will take care of her, ‘til she recovers and I’ll be stucked with my dad ‘til then.
Kyle
I was really excited when Dad told me that my brother will be staying with us, I slept late last night just imagining what kind of person he is, “mabait kaya sya?”, “is he cool?” “ , “we can play many games" “he can teach me math” . I still can't believe it "Wow may Kuya ako!".
I slept, dreaming of my brother, Dad and me going, on an adventure and fighting bad guys and monsters with swords and magic.
We heard the garage gate opening and I was jumping “Mom it’s them” I told her excitedly,
“Shhh calm down Kyle, remember what I told you?”
“Yes you told me na wag syang kulitin ‘cos he’s tired and to give him space ‘cos he’s lonely and his mom’s sick” I answered
“Ok, good boy baby, and because he’s your kuya, you have to be good sa kanya and respect him okay?” I nodded and eagerly pulled her hand and went outside to greet them.
Dad was the first one to get out of the car, he took my kuya’s things sa trunk and knocked on the passenger seat “c’mon Jake” dad whispered. kuya gets out of the car holding his bag on his shoulder, “Woah He looks really cool, he’s tall and gwapo” I thought when I first saw his figure.
I blushed and smiled frantically. Nung tumingin sya sa akin at nagtama ang eyes namin, I got scared what I see is pure hate and grudge, I drop my eyes at nagtago ako sa likod ni mommy, I can’t look him again in the eye, it feels like if I do he’d kick and punch me in an instant.
“Jake this is Trisha, my wife and yung bulinggit sa likod nyang mukhang nahihiya is Kyle, your brother".
Mom hugged Jake “Hi Jake, nice to finally meet you, you can call me Trisha or Tita if you like”
“Tita would be good po, Nice to meet you din po” his reply kay mom na parang robot every word is deprived of emotion.
Then he looks at me again and says “Hey” I just responded with a whispered “Hi” at mas nagtago sa likod ni mommy.
Dad felt the awkwardness in the air and breaks the silence, “Tara Jakey I’ll show you your room” they walked through us and went upstairs.
“Give him some time Kyle” mom told me. “go watch TV muna, I have some things I need to do”
“Okaaaay” mom kissed me and she went in the kitchen, probably preparing lunch.
Bumaba si Dad after a few minutes at umupo sa tabi ko, “Dad, asan sya?” I asked him, “He’s going to unpacked his things muna daw and sleep, I think he’s tired”.
“Dad?” I asked again
“ano yun baby?”
“I think he hates me”
Dad wrapped his arms around me, “No baby, that’s not true, it’s just that everything’s new sa kanya, new house, new family, he’s just overwhelmed with everything, he’s a good kuya, I promise.”
“Okay” I answered. I calmed down with my dad’s big arms around me comforting me and assuring me that everything’s going to be alright. We laughed and joked around sa sala while watching cartoons sa TV.
“Lunch’s ready” mom called us, “O, Kyle go upstairs, tell your kuya na, lunch’s ready” utos sakin ni Dad, I looked at him scared
“It’s okay Kyle, go on”, Kinakabahan akong umakyat at pumunta sa kwarto ni Jake. I knocked lightly, “tao po” I asked pero walang sumasagot, that’s when I decided to open his door, I turned the knob and peep my head “tao po, Jake?”
I saw him, He looked at me, katatapos lang magpunas ng luha nya, his eyes still red, he’s angry “ What do you want?” I drop my eyes “ Ah, eh, sabi ni dad, ah sabihin daw, kakain na ng Lunch” , “In a minute, Get out!”
I immediately close the door, tears forming sa eyes ko, but I hold them in. Malungkot akong bumaba at pumunta sa dining area, “What did he say?” dad asked, “ Bababa na daw po sya”.
Jake sat sa left side ni dad while mom sat sa right side and I sat quietly beside her. Yaya Vicky brought our foods and put everything on the table
"I cooked the Lunch” mom says proudly “Specialty ko yan Jake, my very own Kare-Kare”.
Jake frowns “Oops I think I’m full” he responded.
Everyone’s stunned, I fidgeted on my seat and looked at everyone, I hear dads heavy sigh and his voice raised angrily
“Jake that’s enough, sit down, can you at least show some respect? Nag effort si Tita mo just to make you feel welcome and that’s how you act?”
Jake glared angrily at Dad, “I’m allergic sa nuts” Jake replied, that calmed everyone down, Dad looked shocked, and speechless.
“Oh.. yes..yeah, I forgot, oo nga pala” he finally says.
“Sorry Jake” mom apologized, “I did not know, I can cook another dish, we have chicken…”
“Okay lang po Tita, I’ll just have this apple” pagputol ni Jake sa sinasabi ni mom and picked an apple.
“Sorry Jake, nalimutan ko, and for raising my voice, I’m really sorry” dad apologized,
“It’s okay po, It’s not like were a true family dati, besides you have another family to look-out for, it’s reasonable na makalimot sa mga small details sa buhay namin ni mom, no offense po”.
And that’s it, he walks away back to his room. Everyone’s shocked and silent, dad looks like he’s going to cry, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.
Tumayo si Dad sa upuan pumunta sa kwarto nila,
“Kyle kumain kana muna ha?” sabi ni mom sakin and immediately followed dad.
I cried while eating alone, I don’t know what’s happening and everyone’s upset and angry, “wag na umiyak Kyle, sige na kain kana” sabi sakin ni yaya Vick wiping my face full of tears and snot.
Jake
I didn’t want to act like a brat but damn it hurts, thinking na nakalimutan nya yung mga important things na he should’ve known sa anak nya, another proof that he never cared.
Mas lalong tumindi ang galit ko sa kanya, I don’t know how to act around them after what happened. I think I’ll just ignore everyone and stay away from this house as possible.
Nagkulong ako buong araw sa kwarto ko, mom called me and ask, how I was doing, I just said that I’m okay, everything’s okay, and ina-absorb ko pa ang lahat ng mga pangyayari, di ko na sinabi sa kanya yung scene during lunch, we chatted for a while and says our goodbyes. I slept. I just want to sleep and magically wake up and everything’s just a dream, my mom’s not sick, I’m home with my friends and everything’s back to normal.
I woke up with someone knocking on my door, I noticed na madilim na sa bintana, gabi na. I turned on the light and went for the door, it was dad.
“Can I come in?” tanong nya, I nodded and opened the door for him, he steps inside and sit on my bed, he pats it lightly and asked me to sit beside him, I followed.
kalmado na din ang pag iisip ko, after kong makapagpahinga, we remain still and silent for a while, then breaking the awkwardness in the air, I heard him sigh and starts to speak, whatever it is that’s on his mind
“Anak, alam ko marami akong pagkukulang sa’yo at sa mommy mo, I know hindi ako naging mabuting Dad at asawa, at alam kong sobrang laki ng kasalanan ko sa inyo nang iwan ko kayo. But I want to tell you that I love you so much, you’re my first born, Ikaw ang unang nagparamdam sakin how to be a father, nung first time na nakita at mahawakan kita, I’m the happiest man alive, and I knew from that day, that my life will never be the same again.”
He looks at me in the eye “You can hate me, all you want and I’ll never get tired na humingi ng sorry sayo anak, for everything, even if it takes forever. What I’m begging you right now, is sana you’ll give me a chance to be the father that I’m not sayo, a chance na makabawi sa mga pagkukulang ko until one day maging worthy ako sa pagmamahal mo at sa pagiging daddy mo”.
He hugged me tight, I cried and returned his hug tightly.
The smell of his aftershave and cologne opened a feeling na kakaiba at bago.
Feels like I wanted to stay in his arms forever, I wanted to hate him but the child inside me screamed, that he really misses his dad so much.
I can act and put on a façade that I can handle everything that’s happened easily, but no, not tonight.
I just want to cry and release lahat ng sama ng loob ko, enveloped in my dad’s arms.
After I calmed, he wiped my tears and assured me that everythings going to be okay, he reminded me that tomorrow pupunta kami sa school para ayusin ang pag transfer ko.
Same Montessori ang school ko back at home and here, kaya hindi nahirapan sila dad na maapprovan ang transfer papers ko kahit kalagitnaan na ng school year.
I nodded
He says his goodnight and kissed my head. “Thank you anak” I gave him a faint smile “Kumain na pala kami ng dinner, pinuntahan ka ni Kyle, pero di ka daw nasagot, nagtira si Tita Trisha mo sa ref, i-microwave mo nalang if ever na magutom ka” “Okay po”. He walks to the door and leave my room.
Week passed and I’m starting my new life here in Sta. Rosa, Laguna, I made a couple of friends sa new school ko and I just joined swimming club.
Though peaceful naman sa bahay, awkwardness still surrounds the air pag magkakasama kami sa iisang room, and I think joining a club would mean more time sa school and less sa bahay.
It was Friday night and no assignment and projects na due for next week so I stayed late playing console games.
when I looked at the clock, it’s already past 2am and inaantok na ko, I turned off the game and went out of my room para bumaba sa kitchen and uminom ng gatas.
I was drinking my milk when I heard footsteps approaching, It was dad, mukhang kagigising lang, dahil hindi nya agad ako napansin when he entered the kitchen.
I held my breath when I noticed na he’s wearing nothing but his boxers, lumaki ang mata ko when I saw his naked body, he’s fit, flat stomach and defined chest.
I noticed na he has light hairs sa chest nya, pababa sa abdomen hanggang sa makakapal na buhok naman pababa sa pusod nya. When my eyes travelled much lower at napansin ang pag bounce ng bulge sa loob ng boxers ni dad habang naglalakad, napalunok ako ng laway and I felt hot sa buong katawan ko.
“Oh Jakey, gising ka pa?” I heard his voice, nagulat ako and released a breath na kanina ko pa pinipigil nang makita ang katawan nya.
I looked away sa bulge nya and travelled my eyes up sa mukha nya. I was caught, I blushed and mas lalong nag init ang mukha ko dahil sa sobrang hiya.
“Ahh, after nito Dad, I’m going to bed na po” I pointed at my glass. Lumapit sya sa akin and ruffled my hair
“Okay” then kumuha sya ng water sa fridge, my eyes still following his actions, poured water in his glass and drinks, my eyes went to his moving adams apple pag lumulunok sya and sa drop of water that came from his lips down to his neck and his chest, bago nya mapansin uli ang pagtitig ko sa kanya, I looked away.
“Night Jakey” I heard him say, I looked at him again “Night Dad”. When I’m in my room, I locked the door and went to my bed, my dick’s hard and I know what I have to do.
I started jacking off last year, tinuruan ako ng pinsan kong si Bryan when we stayed sa kanila for a week during our Christmas vacation, I stayed and slept with him sa room nya, though he’s older than me ng 2 years, we’re close as brothers.
It was at the time na nalimutan nyang i-lock yung pinto ng CR and I caught him jacking off, he was embarrassed at first but when I asked him, kung anong ginagawa nya, he explained to me that it’s called jakol or masturbation or jacking off, he explained din sa akin ang sex and difference of man and woman genitals, he basically explains to me the birds and the bees.
His parents are both doctors and his dad already gave him the talk.
Long story, short, He’s the one na nagexplain sakin how babies are made, what is sex and how it is normal for males to ejaculate.
Curiosity follows me. So when we returned home and I was alone sa room ko, I tried kung anong itinuro sakin ni Bryan.
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